Plans

I promise myself I will never be like you.

Like how you have to be in charge of everything.

Do you know how hurt I am?

These are people dear to me, just like you.

But you seem to disregard them.

I understand I am precious to you.

I understand you try to let go.

I understand, I do.

But if I have to leave, then I have to leave.

You cannot keep me away forever.

They changed the plans to suit me too.

I hope you understand me like I understand you.

PS: And please don't be so high-strung, your blood pressure will rise.

Wanting

*Life is not as messed up as it seems

Listening to an aquaintance tell her story, I feel like I am a princess living in a perfect world. Mine is so much easier than hers. A world where I get am able to get the basics for living, whenever I need, whenever I want.

And yet, I am discontented.

I have always been selfish. Most of the time I am able to bend people to my will, some way or another. I get almost everything I want, almost. It's good that I don't have everything. I'm already as spoilt as I am now.

A person's 'wants' increases as time passes, unless they are sick or dying, and then their 'wants' decreases. You say you maybe contented, but there is a little voice in you complaining, asking, wanting.

I do try to be better. To push aside my wishes, to do what others want, instead of what I want. To make them happy, to override my emotions, my feelings. I still have breakdowns, and then I hurt like HELL!

Currently I am tending to two (identifiable) people's wants. I am beginning to doubt myself. Is this really the path I want to walk? Because if I had my way, I think I might not, would not, have chosen this road.

Probably this is for the best. I am definitely not bitter over this. I know life is difficult, life is challenging, and life is all about the experience, be it good or bad. I will take what life serves me, albeit full of complaints.

I hope you are happy, because deep down, this is I want you to be.

Chivalry

I was out last night, until 3am, and oh, chivalry isn't dead, did you know that?

Kean came around to pick me up, at about 11.30pm or so. We were supposed to meet another friend somewhere. So I was just waiting at the guard house of my condo, when he drove up. Guess what? He stopped and opened the car door for me to get in. I felt so nice. And I am still feeling good when I think about it now. Haha...

Before this, after my ex and me broke up, the only other a guy who opened a car door for me was Wei Shun. That time we were just leaving Sg Long, after the UTAR Sg Long Merdeka celebration. Robin was driving, and Wei Shun opened the back passenger seat door for me before getting into the front passenger seat himself.

Guys, just putting in a little more effort, a little more manners into how you treat a girl, and she will believe herself to be special. Even just a tiny subconcious act. Unless, of course, she takes everything for granted. A gentleman is difficult to find nowadays, based on what I've been hearing from people around me.

This is Kean

Ah Tok, the other guy in out 3-person gathering

Come to think of it

* Pics courtesy of John

Come to think of it, could my exam results be what I wished for in Sg Lembing Lao Zi Temple?

Dragon's tail

Entrance to the temple starting from the tail

I have forgotten how long the trail was through the dragon's body. We were told to walk and walk until we reached the dragon's mouth .

Exit from the dragon's mouth

Touch the pearl and make a wish

It is said that once you exit from the dragon's mouth, touch the pearl, make a wish and your wish will be granted.

I guess I can disclose what I asked for. I wanted to pass my exams, with good results, but the results need not be too good.

Wishes do come true after all.

"It is a common belief here that when one comes out from the Dragon’s mouth, one will be blessed with the mystical prowess of the dragon, and will therefore obtain good luck and fortune."

Conversations

Disclaimer:
This post is very vague.
I'll be using 'you' a lot, and please do not think I am talking about 'you'.
'You' consist of various friends whom I talk to.
These conversations are purely how I decipher 'your' words.


All these are actually connected to a single event. It's kinda difficult to see how, but after some thought, I figured it out. I shall start with the most recent conversation I had, which was last night.

You said, 'XX said XX'. Guess what? I had a horrible dream after that. Not that I blame you, it's purely my imagination that ran away, coupled with something another friend said. End result? Nightmare. But then, I have no say in what others do.

You said, 'humans are selfish, and for your own good, please 'insert action here', it's not easy, but you have to try'. Maybe I should let it go. I know where I stand now, but sometimes I just wonder. Will things be different? I am accoustomed to waiting. I have been waiting.

You asked me, 'what about you?', I said, 'nothing', and you said, 'nothing is good.' Maybe you're right. Nothing is good. I have freedom to do what I want. I was kinda sad that things didn't go your way, but since you seem optimistic, I'll just let it go, for the moment.

You asked me, 'how was your yam cha session the other day?'. It took me a full minute to figure out what you meant. It went well. I think we can actually be friends, contary to what people say. We have to, imagine how you guys would feel if we had a gathering and everyone feels awkward.

You told me, 'flirt all you want'. Frankly speaking, I don't exactly know how to flirt. And I don't know if I am. I just know that I like being around guys, and I'm comfortable around them. I need a crash course in flirting.

You said, 'girls will be jealous when you hang around guys too much'. I grew up around guys. My playmates were guys. I don't have many girl friends, even in primary or secondary school. In college and uni, also more guys than gals. I know of girls who get jealous, I'm sorry, but I can't do anything.

Various conversations date even further back. I am not sure if I am currently living for the past, present or the future. Sometimes I look into the future, and I see what I want to see. Other times, the past seems so much brighter.

There is no main point in this post. There are just too many things on my mind now. I want to get rid of them one by one.

You said, 'your blog is too wordy'. Yes it is, but I write to release, and if I can capture, that's good. When I write, I do not have to face an actual person to say what I want to say. Another reason why I have a bigger open-self in MSN. Why I reveal more.

That's all at the moment, time to move on to other things.

I have so much that I want to write about, I do not know where to start.

All I know is, I thank my friends for the good times that we had so far, because I do not know how much longer these times can last. This is a very confusing period in my life, not only due to my future studies, but also in relationships, be it friend or family. I am still trying to find myself, to understand myself, and to be myself, instead of some fake person who shows others what they want to see, and not who I really am.

Change in the tide

It's funny how the best laid plans are never set in stone. Our environment is constantly changing, whether we notice it or not. The subtle alterations in our microenvironment. Maybe just a twitch of our facial muscle, and the outcome of the something, anything, might be totally different.

I, or rather, me and my friends, went for a meeting with this company, MedKlinn, who wants us to do clinical studies on their product, iOsis. The meeting was all about how to use the product, and what they expect from the clinical studies that they hoped we would do for our Masters.

iOsis by Medklinn
*This is not an advertistment*

Let's start at the beginning of the story. Bioscience in UTAR is located in Kampar campus, meaning us bioscience students, have to relocate to Kampar. There were mixed feelings about this. Two of us wanted to stay in KL, one wanted to leave KL, one couldn't care less where she was. My supervisor was quite reluctant to travel to Kampar.

Anyway, we pulled ourselves together, and started focusing on The Big Move. We had planned on our accomodation *we were to stay together*, we had planned on our transportation *we had a car*, we had planned on a lot of things. Well, maybe Kampar could be fun, you know, with friends and all.

Then, this meeting came up. And now it seems, we don't even have to go into the lab. It's clinical studies. We do not have any lab work, all the lab work is done by hospital labs or private labs, since all we need is regular blood test results from patients. Completely all field work.

Where do we get these patients? In hospitals. Which hospitals do we get patients from all walks of life? KL hospitals. So we're back here. Again, mixed feelings about this. We have already gotten used to the idea of going to Kampar, and we have to adjust ourselves to the thought of staying back.

This might change again, depending on which direction the wind blows. For now, we haven't even submitted our proposals yet, there are still too many questions to be asked, and nothing is answered. It's exciting, yes, but at the same time, it's scary, it's overwhelming, it's confusing. When will the wind be just right? When do I set sail?

The tide turns every six hours. I have to push off soon. Wish me luck in making the right decisions.

朋友变情人再变朋友

It was nice to see you again, although I had my doubts that we would ever be friends. Actually, there was nothing much to talk about, my part consisted more of giving you directions on how to drive around Setapak, Bukit Bintang and KLCC. And maybe a little on uni, that's all.

I've recovered, but it's still a little awkward, that's why I was rather happy with CK joined us. Listening to the both of you crapping in 福州, made me long for the days gone by. I will not say it's great that we are friends, but it's a good start. I don't hate you for hurting me so much.

One week to the day when you broke up with me.

Happy aniversary.

Final Results

Yea, final results are out. How did I do? Better than I expected. Not as good as most, but I'm not ashamed of what I accomplished this semester, my final semester. I'll be graduating in the second lower class, and I accept that.

GPA of 2.87, my personal best. But what I am most proud of, is the A- I got for my project: FYP and It's finally over. Actually, thanks a lot to Dr Haresh, I think he was quite lenient with the marking... I bet no one under other supervisors got such a high score.

Like I said, I did not expect much, I even expected to sit for the supplementary paper. No one, except those who have sat for the supp paper previously, knows how relieved I was, when I checked, and found out I wasn't one of the few unlucky ones.

My results, especially for oncology, came as a surprise. After knowing that I am not sitting for supp paper, I just thought, whatever, C is good enough, since for most of my coursework marks, I was around 50%-60%, even though I really worked hard.

Medical genomics, already expected a C, so no comment on that.

Oncology, I failed in my coursework. But to get a B-, I had to have at least 68.5/100 in my finals. How I ever achieved that, I have absolutely no idea. Maybe it had something to do with the 12m+13m of thinking questions?

Pharmacology, the study of drugs. I refered to my notes, and calculated all the marks for each question. What I got was the best case scenario. I was actually prepared to get a D. How terrible, huh? Guess our dear Dr Anthony is being generous with the grades too...

Virology, Dr Say must be crazy. His questions he asked were totally out of the blue, and came as a shock to practically the whole course. Same goes for when his results were announced. I think quite a number of my friends are still wondering, how did we ever get this?

The only disappointment came from Interpersonal Communications. I thought I did ratherwell. I guess Ms Catherine is just as strict as she was during PR class. An elective subject, and there were people who failed it... It's just kinda pitiful. I mean, it's an elective, why don't you just let us pass?

I do not know how to explain this 'phenomenon'.

• Was it the constant revision everyday in uni? I doubt it, otherwise, why would I have failed in my coursework?
• Was it the studying as a group? My group consists of people from different courses, and not a single one from my own course. So there was no group discussion for me, besides the one on where to go for supper.
• Was it the lecturers being merciful? Some of my lecturers are well known for being very liberal with the pen, meaning a lot of red marks. Figure that out yourself.
• Was it... I can come up with these three for now.

Oh well, I did do my best.

And I do thank my study group: Khai Shen (driver *lol*, QS), Kok Sheng (driver *lol*, CI), Ken (driver *lol*, CL), Kheng Hooi (CL), Sally (CL), Sok Yin (3E), Teck Wei (CI), Peat Ming (MH), Kim Leong (provided the mosquito coil *lol*, ME), Kim Lup (CI), Yi Gang (CI)... Did I leave anyone out? Although not everyone came everytime, it's still fun to study together.

Status: Completion of study.

Industrial Training

A few of my friends are starting training today. Wonder how their first day is going to be like. New surroundings to adjust, new people to meet, and probably new job that is totally unexpected. I sure hope, I wish for them, to enjoy the whole stint, because I sure did love mine.

I don't think I had a post on my internship last year.

Industrial training for bio students is not compulsary for my batch. I still applied anyway, because I want the experience of working in a lab, which I most likely will be doing someday. Hospital Angkatan Tentera Lumut. My workplace of choice.

First day:
As usual, briefing and introduction to the lab departments together with its officers. I felt kinda nervous, because it was the first time I was going to work with so many Malays and I wasn't very exposed to their culture before, even though my dad works in a 'Malay dominated' environment.

Subsequent weeks:
I was assigned to each department on a rotation basis. There were a total of 9 departments, and I was a total rookie in each. Why? Because my practical skills sucked. UTAR only taught theory, and well, I was asked numerous times, 'what exactly did you learn in UTAR?'. How embarassing!

Alright, so most departments used machines to run the diagnostic tests. But nothing beats manual testing sometimes. Especially in preparation of slides. Blood films. I don't know how many slides have I ruined... But they are really nice, they really took the time to teach me, and allowed me to practice as much as I want.

One skill that is very useful in the diagnostic labs and is not taught in UTAR, is phlebotomy. What is that? Phlebotomy aka venipuncture, is the process of obtaining intravenous access for the purpose of intravenous therapy or obtaining a sample of venous blood. In simple english, is the drawing of blood from a vein.

I was very nervous the first time. Never done it before. But the patients who I did the venipuncture, they were quite patient with me, you know, being patients *swt, lame pun*. Still, being the armed forces personnel, they weren't exactly supposed to cry out in pain or complain right? Haha, I was at an advantage there.

Didn't take pictures there, because firstly, I didn't have a camera, and secondly, I didn't think I needed to. Well, maybe I'm wrong, memories do fade. It doesn't matter now anyway. It's all stored well and proper in my brain. And I'm still welcomed to go back to the lab whenever I want.

They are very nice people. Very very nice. Including the other trainees. I don't exactly miss them, but I do treasure what I learnt, and all my experience gained, because of them.

Resume

*edited

I wonder how people write resumes?

I've been writing mine for the whole day and I just can't seem to get it write (right)...

Do excuse the pun.

Argh!

I'm so frustrated now!

Oh, please do tell me that all this trouble is worth the job...

********************

I've finished with what I think it's the best I can do for now.

Anyone interested to help me read and correct whatever that should be corrected?

My deadline is Wednesday. I plan to submit it on Thursday.

Packing, packing

Well, time to move out. Or my stuff first, at least. I'll be staying until end of October. The whole downstairs seems like it's been hit by a tornado the first few hours of packing...

Before:

Xinyi and Evelyn posing with Xinyi and my stuff *so darn messy!*

My table

1/4 of Xinyi's stuff

Improvement... Most of it packed nicely into boxes and bags and files...

After:

My parents came and took away some of my things, Xinyi's cousin helped her move hers

Looks like I'll be living out of a suitcase the next few weeks

The whole three years, it always seemed like there were never enough stationary, clothes, food, or whatever. But when it's time to move, it feels like there is a tonne of stuff to pack and clear and throw. And the packing is never ending. Once a box is sealed, there will always be something that is left out, and the box has to be re-opened and re-sealed...

My parents will be here again next week for the next load. Phew! Thank goodness for them...

I'll miss KL, but I'll be back. Most likely on the 7th Nov. =]

It's finally over

I am so darn proud of this book!

How many/much:

• time spent on it
  
• times we couldn't get Dr Haresh
  
• times feel like committing suicide *this is a joke*
• times feel like giving up
• times pushing myself to the limit
• times pushed by other to exceed the limit
  
• tears shed
• ranting and raving
• consolations from friends
• writing
• taking pictures
• re-taking pictures
  
• editing
• submitting over and over again for what feels like eons
  

And finally, it's all over. Tomorrow at 5pm, it'll be a closed chapter for me. Just to wait for the formal results, and convocation.

This whole semester I've survived only for thesis. Writing the thesis to live, or living to write the thesis? The latter is how I felt. Is how everyone felt.

I am experiencing such a thrill now. Thrilled that I am able to say, Dr Haresh, sir, this is my thesis, hard bound with the soft copy in the CD, just like you requested.

It's a once in a lifetime feeling. My Bachelor of Science degree thesis. I am not going to let my sentiments and foreboding get me down tonight. No, not tonight.

Thank you Dr Haresh.

To heave a sigh of relief

Well, seems I've passed. It's really a lift of my shoulders. Now I'm just worried about my cgpa. The 6 credit emphasis on my project is kinda heavy. Dr Haresh said my thesis was ok, and hopefully he's not just trying to cheer me up. I could make use of the boost.

Met up with two old friends today. The girl, then the guy. Hmm... What did the girl say? What did the guy say?

Girl: Mei Sze, nice to be single right? Can flirt with whoever you want, without any worries of a 'certain someone' being jealous. By the way, are you still in contact with your ex? How long you didn't see him d? Why you guys broke up ah? What a pity, so many years together.

Sounds like an interrogation? Haha... Far from it. I'm just putting what she said all together, without my response. Dear Ms Yeoh, I know you won't be mad at me for playing with your words right? Hm... Miss the times in Penang where we were roomates.

Guy: Mei Sze, what insurance do you have? What insurance does your family have? Can I do a survey? I need to do a 100 person survey on the insurance that they buy. Please help me fill up this form. Thanks so much.

Nah, that was just about 0.1% of what was our overall conversation. Yea, he's working now, after his diploma. He has a dream, and working towards it, although the government is being a a$$*as usual* in the selection of candidates for local uni. 3.99 from a polytechnic and can't get into UTM.

Two different people, two different worlds, same peace of mind in knowing that they are my friends. Sometimes all it takes is effort from both sides, both parties have to put in just a little more, and the rewards *for me, at least* in ten fold, hundred fold, actually, priceless.

Liggy and me (Yeah, we went to Subway for lunch =] )

Think of me

Think of me, think of me foldly
When we've said goodbye
Remember me, once in a while
Please promise me you'll try...

**********

My life is great.
I'm just pouring out my feelings, so please don't worry too much about me.
I can handle it.
If you are concern about me, thank you very much.
It means a lot to me.
I know I keep bugging people a lot, and I'm sorry.
But I really need to let out.
So help me please.
I need closure and assurance.

**********

This chapter in my life is closing soon. My friends have heard me mention this gazillion times, and yes, I'm going to say it again, I wish I didn't have to go. It's just been a few days, and I'm miss everyone already. It's getting lonely at home.

I know many of you think I am strong, but inside I might be breaking into pieces, and you would not know it. However, I will make myself strong, because I don't think you guys would like to see me down and broken.

Maybe I do wallow in self-pity. A sort of martyr. But I'd do anything in my capability for my friends. Anything. Even travelling to and fro KL for a friend's birthday and risking a major scolding from my mum. Well, hasn't happened yet, but I'll do it.

Why the emphasis on my friends? My friends are the world to me. I don't know how much I mean to them, but they certainly are priceless on my part. Even those who I didn't contact this semester. I'm sorry, but I just didn't have the time.

I'd choose to do my Masters in UTAR, just to be here with you, and you, and you, but I'll probably be transferred to Kampar, and I don't want that. But I think I'll have a little difficulty in the other unis, I'm not exactly a very good student. In terms of studies.

Someone said, now virtual friends network ma. I say, face-to-face always beats virtual everytime. I need the physical contact. I can't live in a faceless, virtual world. It's just not natural. I need the intimacy, the touching, the feeling.

My friends have been really supportive, telling me they'll come out for gatherings, but I know better. Everyone has their schedule. I can't and don't expect them to drop everything just for me. Although I really hope there is a day where everyone can meet.

I am not prepared for this, even though I've been reminding myself over the semester that good things come to an end. It's a childish thought, wanting to hold on to the present when I know I have to move on. Somehow, knowing and actually doing it, are two different things.

Thank you Ms Ong, Kok Sheng, Kelvin, Teck Wei, Ken, Kheng Hooi, Khai Shen, Sally, Pei Seen, Yi Gang, Peat Ming, Hon Sern, Cheu Chyong, Kee Chean and more. You guys made me do many new things which I haven't done before. Many first times this semester. I really treasure the moments.

Maybe it is time to cheer up. And look forward to what the future has to offer. But the past is what shaped me, and I can't and won't give that up. I'll be waiting to see what happens. What will happen.

Pic by Seen
The sun will still rise, no matter where we are.
Time keeps flowing, we have to keep up with it.

**********

Flowers fade, the fruits of summer fade
They have their seasons, so do we
But please promise me that sometimes
You will think of me...

Quickie

Back from Sg Lembing.

Will blog about it soon...