Only time

J. K., this is for you. Once, you asked me when, I couldn't answer, but I hope this song will explain everything that I can't.

Song Lyrics | Enya lyrics

Hurt

It's funny how it can hurt so much, when I'm asleep, until it wakes me up, and I can't close my eyes again, because the same scene will be playing over and over. No matter how I try to turn off my mind, it still comes back. I tell myself it is none of my business, and everyone has their own right, but that doesn't comfort me one bit. I do not want to think anymore about it, but there is nothing else for me to take my mind off things at the moment. I am still waiting for an email that determines my future. I want to focus on that, but what am I supposed to do when I'm waiting? That's when hurt comes in. I was so busy the past few weeks, I had so little time for my thoughts. It is a shield, being occupied, a shield to protect me from myself. I have a good imagination, sometimes too good, that I think too much, analyze too much.

I don't want to hurt, but, without the hurt, I don't think I can feel alive. Pain, and hurt, to me, it makes me feel, I am still living.

Sometimes

Sometimes, it is better to just refrain from speaking what I want to say, for fear it may destroy the relationship I have with a person.

Sometimes, it is better to just pretend nothing has happened, because it might just be a misunderstanding.

Sometimes, it is better to just forget what has happened, and look towards the future.

Sometimes, it is better to just completely relax, and enjoy myself.

Sometimes, it is better to just let go, and move on.

Sometimes, I just have to go with my instincts, and do what I think is best for me.

Composer

*Let me try to express myself and explain to my best ability...

My housemate has this friend, lets call him J. He's an amature composer, and a quite good guitarist and keyboardist. He asked my housemate to go over to a studio where he regularly records his songs, and she, in turn, asked me along.

The studio was so-so, enough facilities, but I do not want to talk about that. I want to talk about how I felt about the whole 'trip'.

J runs a one man show. You see, he wants more than one part in his music, in his songs, which usually means more than one person recording, right? He uses this software, which he connects to a keyboard, which he engineers the different sounds for different instruments. Nothing wrong in this.

But, his songs are 100% engineered. Fake, in my opinion. It totally eliminates the need for other players, other musicians. Maybe, he felt it is easier this way, without having to deal with people, especially when he is writing the scores.

Still, to create a 6 or 7 part song, and you just use yourself as the keyboardist, and you play all the parts on your own, using the different instruments available in the software, is this still called a band? Ok, so maybe you don't actually call it a band.

For me, music is to be played together. Sound engineering, audio engineering, may be used to enhance the music, not to completely create it. Where is the companionship, the relationships that are built through music? Between players?

Music is alive. It is not supposed to be something out from a computer. Initially, it *may* be. However, the final performance should be by real human beings, instead of a dumb computer. Music is to be felt, and that can only be achieved through people.

I believe many of the songs nowadays are engineered, and do correct me if I'm wrong, but their engineering is limited to editing the songs. I don't think that any artist or performer doesn't want credit for his/her performance.

As a musician, I am not a professional. But this is my comment to you, J: Although your songs are beautiful, they fall flat. Intonation, tone, volume, expression, they are all lacking. They will be lacking, in mechanically created sounds. You may be adjust all the settings, all the notes will be at perfect tempo, perfect beat. These are meaningless, if you do not put meaning into the song. Nothing is better than people, real people.

Good luck.

Prawns

I am so proud of myself today.

What did I do? I shelled prawns~!! For the first time!! Haha...

Unshelled prawns

Shelled prawns

Prawn crap

A little sugar on raw prawns and the prawns will be firm and slightly crispy when cooked

The prawn heads are so hard and sharp. Dunno how many times I've been pricked. I have new profound respect for the people who shell prawns for me, namely my father and my mother.

Argh! I really do not know why I wrote this post... =.=!

Plans

I promise myself I will never be like you.

Like how you have to be in charge of everything.

Do you know how hurt I am?

These are people dear to me, just like you.

But you seem to disregard them.

I understand I am precious to you.

I understand you try to let go.

I understand, I do.

But if I have to leave, then I have to leave.

You cannot keep me away forever.

They changed the plans to suit me too.

I hope you understand me like I understand you.

PS: And please don't be so high-strung, your blood pressure will rise.

Wanting

*Life is not as messed up as it seems

Listening to an aquaintance tell her story, I feel like I am a princess living in a perfect world. Mine is so much easier than hers. A world where I get am able to get the basics for living, whenever I need, whenever I want.

And yet, I am discontented.

I have always been selfish. Most of the time I am able to bend people to my will, some way or another. I get almost everything I want, almost. It's good that I don't have everything. I'm already as spoilt as I am now.

A person's 'wants' increases as time passes, unless they are sick or dying, and then their 'wants' decreases. You say you maybe contented, but there is a little voice in you complaining, asking, wanting.

I do try to be better. To push aside my wishes, to do what others want, instead of what I want. To make them happy, to override my emotions, my feelings. I still have breakdowns, and then I hurt like HELL!

Currently I am tending to two (identifiable) people's wants. I am beginning to doubt myself. Is this really the path I want to walk? Because if I had my way, I think I might not, would not, have chosen this road.

Probably this is for the best. I am definitely not bitter over this. I know life is difficult, life is challenging, and life is all about the experience, be it good or bad. I will take what life serves me, albeit full of complaints.

I hope you are happy, because deep down, this is I want you to be.

Chivalry

I was out last night, until 3am, and oh, chivalry isn't dead, did you know that?

Kean came around to pick me up, at about 11.30pm or so. We were supposed to meet another friend somewhere. So I was just waiting at the guard house of my condo, when he drove up. Guess what? He stopped and opened the car door for me to get in. I felt so nice. And I am still feeling good when I think about it now. Haha...

Before this, after my ex and me broke up, the only other a guy who opened a car door for me was Wei Shun. That time we were just leaving Sg Long, after the UTAR Sg Long Merdeka celebration. Robin was driving, and Wei Shun opened the back passenger seat door for me before getting into the front passenger seat himself.

Guys, just putting in a little more effort, a little more manners into how you treat a girl, and she will believe herself to be special. Even just a tiny subconcious act. Unless, of course, she takes everything for granted. A gentleman is difficult to find nowadays, based on what I've been hearing from people around me.

This is Kean

Ah Tok, the other guy in out 3-person gathering

Come to think of it

* Pics courtesy of John

Come to think of it, could my exam results be what I wished for in Sg Lembing Lao Zi Temple?

Dragon's tail

Entrance to the temple starting from the tail

I have forgotten how long the trail was through the dragon's body. We were told to walk and walk until we reached the dragon's mouth .

Exit from the dragon's mouth

Touch the pearl and make a wish

It is said that once you exit from the dragon's mouth, touch the pearl, make a wish and your wish will be granted.

I guess I can disclose what I asked for. I wanted to pass my exams, with good results, but the results need not be too good.

Wishes do come true after all.

"It is a common belief here that when one comes out from the Dragon’s mouth, one will be blessed with the mystical prowess of the dragon, and will therefore obtain good luck and fortune."

Conversations

Disclaimer:
This post is very vague.
I'll be using 'you' a lot, and please do not think I am talking about 'you'.
'You' consist of various friends whom I talk to.
These conversations are purely how I decipher 'your' words.


All these are actually connected to a single event. It's kinda difficult to see how, but after some thought, I figured it out. I shall start with the most recent conversation I had, which was last night.

You said, 'XX said XX'. Guess what? I had a horrible dream after that. Not that I blame you, it's purely my imagination that ran away, coupled with something another friend said. End result? Nightmare. But then, I have no say in what others do.

You said, 'humans are selfish, and for your own good, please 'insert action here', it's not easy, but you have to try'. Maybe I should let it go. I know where I stand now, but sometimes I just wonder. Will things be different? I am accoustomed to waiting. I have been waiting.

You asked me, 'what about you?', I said, 'nothing', and you said, 'nothing is good.' Maybe you're right. Nothing is good. I have freedom to do what I want. I was kinda sad that things didn't go your way, but since you seem optimistic, I'll just let it go, for the moment.

You asked me, 'how was your yam cha session the other day?'. It took me a full minute to figure out what you meant. It went well. I think we can actually be friends, contary to what people say. We have to, imagine how you guys would feel if we had a gathering and everyone feels awkward.

You told me, 'flirt all you want'. Frankly speaking, I don't exactly know how to flirt. And I don't know if I am. I just know that I like being around guys, and I'm comfortable around them. I need a crash course in flirting.

You said, 'girls will be jealous when you hang around guys too much'. I grew up around guys. My playmates were guys. I don't have many girl friends, even in primary or secondary school. In college and uni, also more guys than gals. I know of girls who get jealous, I'm sorry, but I can't do anything.

Various conversations date even further back. I am not sure if I am currently living for the past, present or the future. Sometimes I look into the future, and I see what I want to see. Other times, the past seems so much brighter.

There is no main point in this post. There are just too many things on my mind now. I want to get rid of them one by one.

You said, 'your blog is too wordy'. Yes it is, but I write to release, and if I can capture, that's good. When I write, I do not have to face an actual person to say what I want to say. Another reason why I have a bigger open-self in MSN. Why I reveal more.

That's all at the moment, time to move on to other things.