Hear me out...

Happy chinese new year

2012-01-23T09:21:00.003+08:00

This year, I'll be back in my hometown. My mum has just came back from a journey, and my dad has been working outstation the whole time, so we feel it'll be just nice to spend time at home, just the few of us. Mum's cooking a lot of food, dad's opening hampers, bro's playing computer games, and I'm eating new year cookies. Haha... Guess who's gonna put on weight!

Anyway, happy chinese new year to all. May the year of the dragon bring health, wealth and happiness to you and your family!!!

Source

2011-08-04T10:35:00.000+08:00

Source

TUSO

2011-07-03T12:08:00.006+08:00

I was given the chance to perform with the Taylors University Symphonic Orchestra last Friday and Saturday as part of the Preview for Rainforest World Music Festival 2011. They had only one resident clarinetist, so Justin asked me to come and play along. We played the theme from Star Wars, Hawaii Five-O and Jai Ho.

Travelling up and down to Sunway was tiring, but I felt it was worth it. I miss playing and performing. The thrill of seeing the audience applaude after each piece. The breathlessness after each song. The glare of the lights above. How my bottom lip always hurts from the constant pressure of pressing on my teeth...

This concert was a new experience for me. How so? First of all, the percussion consists of only one drum set and a keyboard. The keyboard was used to simulate voices of different percussion instruments, bell, chimes, timpani... And the drum set was used for snare, bass drum (?) and tom. Well, I have to admit, it's really cost effective, and does save on manpower.

Secondly, there was no horn line. Alto line was played solely by the saxophones. Bass line was okaaaaaaaay, with two trombones and a tuba. Oh, cellos too. Sorry to say, trumpets weren't any good, which is a real handicap, since trumpets are featured in almost every song. Flutes and the clarinetist were alright.

Thirdly, this is my first time playing with strings. I have never liked novice string players, they sound too irritating. Especially when they go out of tune on the high notes. But everyone starts as a novice, I guess I'll just have to bear with it. It's not like I'm much better anyway. The concertmaster is good though, that's why he's concertmaster.

If Taylors could find just one decent horn player, and another trumpeter, besides Justin, I think they can really improve and widen their range of songs. Oh, they need another conductor too...

I look forward to their next performance.

Never alone

2011-06-26T23:10:00.001+08:00

Lyrics | Lady Antebellum lyrics - Never Alone lyrics

Yet, she chose you

2011-06-21T10:11:00.001+08:00

Tumblr

There is always someone better, yet, she chose you.

Me

2011-06-20T00:22:00.000+08:00

Source

Dreamt

2011-06-06T08:39:00.001+08:00

Dear AC,

I dreamt about you last night. It's been a few weeks, but I guess you've just hurt me so bad, that I cannot forget it so soon... In my dream, you were trying to lie to me again, and though I won't fall for it, I still with the circumstances were different.

2011-06-02T08:44:00.001+08:00

Source: Tumblr

2011-05-24T08:19:00.002+08:00

The start of this month lifted me up to a high, and now I've crashed to a very low...

Joy, love and emptiness

2011-05-22T09:34:00.004+08:00

Looks like she got two-timed, and I became the third party in your relationship. I thought you were trustworthy, in the end I just got hurt.

I actually thought you *could* be The One, despite the circumstances under which we met, and the duration we knew each other.

Well, thank you for the truth.

April

2011-04-27T08:07:00.002+08:00

April is coming to an end, yet what have I gained this month? I've learnt who my friends are, in times of sadness. I've learnt people are still unfanthomable, even those who study psychology and learn about human behavior. I've learnt to put on a smiling face. I've learnt to keep things to myself, as much as I would love to shout it out to the whole wide world.

This month is a bad month. I've probably lost a friend, and I do not know the reason why. It's been 3 weeks since he started ignoring me. I'm hurt. I thought we could talk about things, yet he refused to open up to me, instead he shut me off, slammed the door, and hid away in his comfort zone. This is not the way to treat a friend! I probably did something wrong, but to leave me confused and hanging?

More fishes died, and I sorta got into trouble with my supervisors. But this is my fault. I'm not blaming anyone for it. I was being moody, refering to the above subject, and negleted to care for my fishes. I'm truly sorry about that. Advice from a friend: "You really gotta separate my personal and work life. No matter what, by hook or by crook, you still need to get work done. It's difficult, based on experience, but keep going."

My car was side-swiped by an idiot and got sent to the workshop. Now I am car-less. Which is a pain. Torture. I need my car. I need my mobility. I'm owing a lot of people favours now. Favours which I do not even know I can repay. Perodua is taking a long time, I'd send it to private workshops, but I can't claim under the insurance. So which do I choose?

Yet, April has it's pleasant times. I got to spend time with my family, and friends. I know who I can turn to in times of trouble. I can pour out my woes to friends, without getting worried they might be sick of listening. I had a great time dressing up for Masquerade night, and really enjoyed the company of my uni mates.

April is coming to an end. Welcome May.

PS: Despite the earful I got from Justin, I still miss you.

2011-04-13T09:45:00.001+08:00

I dreamt you and me,
were laughing together again...

Please?

2011-04-11T08:45:00.001+08:00

Money and Happiness

2011-04-09T08:26:00.002+08:00

Money buys happiness, to a certain extent. You know the rush of endorphins, when sales come along, yet, it is only temporary. I spend, and I'm happy. But after a few hours, it wears me down. I start to question, how happy am I?

A friend said i'm depressed. He said I was showing the same symptoms his sis showed. I don't know. There are things going on now, which are hurting me, emotionally. I find myself lacking friends.

It's not like I don't have them. It just feels like we're growing apart. Mr Ling, I can't keep going to you with my problems now, can I? Mr Leong, we used to talk about everything, but something changed in the last month. Ms Ding, I know you're busy, and I don't wanna bother you.

I am definitely not happy. I want to go home. I do not feel as strong as I was supposed to be.

I failed.

Naivety

2011-03-26T09:43:00.003+08:00

you know what my weakness is? throwing my whole heart and soul into things, and getting hurt because i didn't hold back. why? because i believed.

2011-03-16T22:01:00.002+08:00

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going...

I moved a *little* today...

Source

What am I actually doing?

2011-03-15T18:39:00.003+08:00

I have no idea.

One day was wasted yesterday, due to some unforseen ban in Kampar, and today I spent my whole time in the lab trying to figure out the 'optimal' temperature. For some reason, it is not stated in the Internet. Wonder why?

I still need to collect more apparatus. But I think i can make do with what I have now. I have to. Time is running out. Just got back some results, not up to expectations at all. Theoretically, it fits; come experimental, it doesn't.

Somehow, I don't feel a connection here. Maybe it's because I feel KL is more of my home now? I've been there for four years already, this year is the fifth. I have great friends here, bunking with one now, but...

Praying for all the people of Japan and their animals

2011-03-12T09:52:00.002+08:00

credits

Being a girl

2011-02-27T13:38:00.001+08:00

Author unknown.

“Girls are much more than what they seem. They’re more than just the makeup, the clothes, the shoes, the bags, the sunglasses, the outside. They’re more than just whiny bitches. We’re so much more.. too bad some boys can’t understand. A girl’s life is a bitch itself. On a daily basis we deal with bitches, backstabbers, lies, boyfriends, crushes, exes, appearance, insecurity, bullying and so much more. Everyday we wake up, we have to shower. We have to fix our hair. then, we have to get dressed. We spend hours infront of our mirror for you. Making sure we look good. Then we have to apply make up. While doing all this, there’s so much to consider.. especially gossipers and guys. If something’s too short, they’ll call us a whore. Something’s too long, they’ll call us ugly. We go through buckets full of ice cream because we’ve had way too many broken hearts. We cry because bitches wanna hate and boyfriends wanna bitch. We can’t complain because we don’t wanna be annoying. We trust people, then they end up stabbing us in the back. We learn stuff the hard way. Every guy out there making a period joke, like are you for real? No. Just because you’re being a little bitch and pissing me off doesn’t mean i’m on my period. Get over it.

We get hurt multiple times, and keep running back to the same people. We love hard, and hurt hard. We care too much. We’re never understood. We go through so much trouble when you don’t even notice. We listen to songs till five in the morning and fall asleep to it just because it reminds us of you. We try so hard to impress you, while dealing with all that’s said about us. After everything, we sit our asses down on tumblr and reblog everything that reminds us of you. We spill our guts out to our bestfriends who’ve probably had enough of you. We go on facebook and we check your profile a million times, and go through all your pictures. Even if we have seen them all before. we hear what people say about us, and sometimes we break inside. But no matter what, even after everything, we have to come out strong. We have to put a big smile on our faces and pretend like everything’s ok. We have to act nice towards the haters, even knowing everything that they said about us. We love even though we know we shouldn’t. And we wait for something that’ll never happen. But no matter what, we manage to act like everything’s fine, even though everything’s falling apart. That’s a day in a girl’s life. Imagine dealing with all that everyday. We’re so much more than what you think. So much more than what we seem.”

It’s never easy being a girl. And I think it’s not easy to be a boy either but girls do in fact get bad mouth more then boys on almost everything, from how and what a girl dress or how she speaks and so forth. So I feel for the girl who wrote the above cause I bet most girl out there feel the exact same way specially to do who has a boyfriend in their life or someone they are in love with. So my heart goes out to your girls! Be strong! We’re Superwoman and Wonderwoman!

2011-02-24T13:19:00.002+08:00

You know it's there, you just gotta find it

2011-02-09T15:36:00.003+08:00

I am in a love-hate relationship right now. I love the fishes, to take care of them, but I hate the fact that it is a job, one that pays well nonetheless. A huge responsibility, coupled with thesis writing, makes life a lot like the road to wherever. How I'd love to care for my subjects, and leave the paperwork to other people.

The fishes are real cute, big black eyes with shiny, silvery bodies. They are supposed to be fierce, but in the tank, they are just real cowards. Scared of every single movement. I don't want them stressed out. When they get stressed, they DIE!

They have been eating rather well for the past week, except for one tank, who refuses completely to touch anything. Hence, they DIE! One by one. Now I'm left with half a tank. CNY saw the death of more fishes from other tanks. I need to talk to my lecturer soon. I am at a complete loss right now.

How ironic. I thought this was my dream, yet it seems like it is my parents' more than mine. More than once, I was counselled by friends, more than once, I didn't listen to them. To put it harshly, I blame my family and myself. More on myself. I have refused to touch my thesis for more than a month now. I don't know how long more I can put it off.

Where is my motivation? Rather, what is my motivation?

Quickie

2011-01-17T08:13:00.002+08:00

Have been enjoying myself the past few weeks.. Not much work to be done, at least, not much work that I was doing. Kampar has been postponed again, not sure when I can get over there. Gotta manage the lab space now, the students are back again.. Argh!

Nothing beats friends, though I've notice a lack of them in my circle. I've seen new people joining, and old people leaving *am I one of those that left?*. Anyhow, I think I just wanna keep to myself a while.

I've lost interest. I shouldn't have taken up this project. Now completing it is kinda a torture... Then again, working isn't all roses, is it? Although there are few friends who really enjoy their work.

There is something I'm hoping will happen. I don't wanna push it yet, because it might spoil both parties. I don't think anyone is ready for that yet. Waiting and see...

The coming week is gonna be outings and outings, due to the holiday on Thursday... You''l probably see me wandering the streets of KL? Haha... Or maybe not, I don't 'wander' around... Lol...

In a nutshell

2011-01-01T10:19:00.002+08:00

Last year wasn't a very good year. However, I'm not complaining. Things have gone on smoothly, although not as I planned. The main thing is, there was not much turbulance, save for the little incident in the lab, which suits me real well, as I do not like too big conflicts.

It's a new year today, and I just pledge to do my best. Or at least I will try my best to do my best.

I wish I could have found a nice dress...

Of milk and kids

2010-11-24T10:07:00.004+08:00

I saw the cutest kid at the Selayang market recently. A little boy and his dad were selling goats milk, and she was the mascot. Nicely groomed, very clean little kid.

Ain't she the sweetest?

I guess she's just worn out after meeting so many people...

6th month anniversary

2010-11-19T21:56:00.000+08:00

6 months since I got my baby, been through a lot of shocks, scratches, happiness, heartache and pain with her.

Been driving in KL for 6 months now. Don't think I'm 'qualified' to be called a KL driver, but I'm getting there... lol...

What I have learnt:

1. Being aggressive
Sometimes, it's better to be aggressive, otherwise I'll get bullied by other drivers.

2. Being defensive
Sometimes, it's better to be defensive, otherwise I'll end up in an accident.

3. Always know the destination
Duh! I mean, know the surroundings, the major landmarks, and the general direction. Always check out how to get there before actually getting there. Google maps anyone?

4. Have enough petrol
In case of being stuck in traffic jams or taking the wrong turn and end up 'sight-seeing'.

5. Keep spare change on hand
In case of unexpected tolls due to previously mentioned 'sight-seeing'.

6. Malaysian road lanes and road signs are magicians
They can suddenly appear, and disappear. Be warned.

7. Taxi drivers are mad
Self-explainatory. They don't give a damn to what happens to them and their car.

8. Motorcyclists are magicians too
They are prone to suddenly appearing in front/side/anywhere around the car.

9. When in doubt, stick to the centre lane
Enabling me to switch lanes easily.

10. Never get stressed out on the road
It affects judgement. Even after taking a wrong turn, getting honked at, getting stuck in a jam... Just keep moving, and there'll be a way out somewhere.

The 10 golden rules to remember. For me, at least. I've been driving around a lot, by myself. Been looking at maps, asking directions to get to a destination. Coming back has never been a problem. All roads lead to rome? Well, all roads lead to Setapak too... Haha...

Getting lost is part of the journey...

Loneliness knows me by name

2010-11-11T09:13:00.003+08:00

Not really so.

I'm not exactly lonely.

Just missing the companionship.

Almost everyone's working. And I'm stuck with the stupid project that's going no where.

But I still love being in UTAR. Despite the horrible management and lack of equipment. I guess, I do not want to uproot from my comfort zone at the moment.

Went out to Bettys Midwest Kitchen last sunday, due to some recommendations by foodblogs and also to celebrate Teck Wei's birthday. *Will update on that later*.

If this were only a job, it wouldn't be so bad. Somehow, this cert is worth a lot of *face* to everyone. Buying face now, are we?

Hm... Loneliness DOES NOT know me by name, because I still have people around me who love me.

PS: Another birthday celebration coming up, will be pretty busy.. Hehe... But I'm broke at the moment.. T.T

Disrupted Sync

2010-10-20T08:10:00.004+08:00

My body's timetable:

10pm Start to be sleepy
12am-1am I have to sleep
1am-7.00am Dream dream dream
7am-7.30am Wake up and can't go back to sleep
7.30a-8.30am Stomachache
8.30am Sleepy again yet can't fall back to sleep so might as well stay awake & go online

Every day! I set my alarm for 8am, I wake up at 7.30am. I set for 7.30am, I wake up at 7.20am or earlier. Tried exercising in hopes of tiring myself out and falling into a deeper sleep, but here I am, up and awake for almost an hour already.

The dreams are not unpleasant, but neither are they pleasant. I'm just a third party, onlooking the scene unfolding before me. I can't say anything, I can't do anything. I do not remember what happened exactly, but it does reflect my life.

Maybe this will be my routine from now on...

Happy?

2010-10-04T09:04:00.004+08:00

A friend told me to post only happy things in my blog, as a reminder for me to be happy. But lately, more to this year actually, I don't think I have been particularly happy. I do not feel there is anything to be happy about. Sure, I am grateful, to be alive, to have food, to have shelter bla bla bla, but happy?

The past month has been extra difficult for me. I won't go into it, but those who know, you know. I've received encouragements, but it's nothing that I haven't already told myself. I know what I'm supposed to do, but it's never as easy as it seems. Yea yea, everyone goes through this phase right?

I want to go home and feel my mommy's presence at home.

Am I?

2010-09-29T09:12:00.000+08:00

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown

Am I?

Longing

2010-09-27T07:57:00.003+08:00

It's funny when you find yourself, looking from the outside;
I'm standing here, but all I want, is to be over there...
~Gabriella, High School Musical

Everyone longs for something. What their hearts desire. What they observe others to have and they don't. People are pack animals. They want to fit in. They have to fit in, a sense of belonging, not discarded like the lone wolf past his prime youth.

Gabriella sings of the status quo, and of love. How easy it is, for a person to hurt another, unknowingly. She can't get into Troy's circle, and he, to get his team mates off his back, says things he shouldn't have.

Many a time, this happens. It is not known when, or how, but it just happens. And when it does, someone has to fix it. Everyone longs to be a part of something, a part of someone. No one can survive alone. Even the lone wolf, great as he was, fails in exile.

While I'm confident of the friendship we have, I'm not sure how I'm going to maintain it. We are all connected, our circle, our youth, our love. We came together since 12 years ago, and we're all still going strong.

North, south, east and west.

A few have left, and a few more are leaving. A few are back, I'm glad for that, but it doesn't make up for the absence. Our circle was what kept me going, the light in my life. It's a new phase in your lives, I should be happy and grateful you got your chances.

Good luck to you, all of you. I long for the day you return.

The Call

2010-09-26T10:03:00.003+08:00

This song is really touching, especially 'Just because everything's changing, doesn't mean it's never been this way before'. Just because my life is changing, doesn't mean it hasn't for others. Others might have gone through what I'm going through, it's a rite of passage, you may say. I'll try to take hope and courage from this.

东坡肉

2010-09-22T18:38:00.009+08:00

A little history according to the Wiki:

Legend has it that while Su Dongpo was banished to Huangzhou, in a life of poverty, he made an improvement of the traditional process. He first braised the pork, added chinese fermented wine and made red-braised pork, then slowly stewed it on a low heat. This dish was first launched in Huangzhou, then spread to Hangzhou, the capital of the Southern Song dynasty, flourished, and then became one of Hangzhou's most famous dishes.

I had the most wonderful dongpo pork *sounds so much better in mandarin* in my life in Kampar. Cat, my hometown friend and host in Kampar, took me and another friend there. Me, who shy away from any kind of fat, loved the fatty pork belly so much, that I ate up the whole dish. The fat did not taste greasy at all, due to the long hours of braising and stewing the belly. It was a melt-in-the-mouth sensation. It just simply dissolved, leaving the taste buds dancing...

I felt I had reached food heaven.

By the way, you gotta phone the aunty to make reservations otherwise you will be waiting a loooong time, and if you're really unlucky, by the time it's your turn, it will have been sold out... Be warned...

Yummy delicious 东坡肉 from Kampar

by Cat

PS: I dunno what is the name of the shop... But I know where it is.

Good morning

2010-09-12T18:18:00.002+08:00

This song is so super sweet.. How I wish my future partner will sing this to me... ^^

The sun creeps in,
She says I love you with a smile on her face.
If time could stand still
We could lay under the covers all day

She makes this house a home
In winter keeps me warm
In summer makes it hot for me
In the fall & spring fresh lovin she brings
When I open up my eyes she sings

Good morning
Its a beautiful day
When Im with her
With me she lays

Good morning
Another beautiful day
The sun rises
When I see your face
Everyday
Good morning
Good morning

Sometimes I wake
A little grumpy, moody
She says no way
Cause shes so positive
She gives me love
Gets me ready for my day

She makes this a home
In winter keeps me warm
In summer makes it hot for me
In the fall & spring fresh lovin she brings
When I open up my eyes she sings

Good morning
Its a beautiful day
When Im with her
With me she lays

Good morning
Another beautiful day
The sun rises
When I see your face
Everyday
Good morning
Good morning
Good morning

If she cooks your breakfast with love
Gives you kisses with love
Rubs your back with love
Than you better wake up
Say you (love her)
Tell her that you (love her)
Cause every breath that you breathe
Everyday that you see
Is not guaranteed
Oh no
Every morning
Every morning
Tell her

Good morning
Its a beautiful day
When Im with her
With me she lays

Good morning
Another beautiful day
The sun rises
When I see your face
Everyday
Good morning
Good morning
Good morning

Tell her good morning
Good morning

Quote

2010-09-08T15:28:00.002+08:00

Cinderella walked on broken glass.
Sleeping Beauty let a whole lifetime pass.
Belle fell in love with a hideous beast.
Jasmine married a common thief.
Ariel walked on land for love and life.
Snow White barely escaped a knife.
It was all about blood, sweat, and tears,
because love, means facing your biggest fears.
(Anon, n.d.)

http://quotelicious.com/quotes/love-quotes.php

Singapore

2010-08-25T10:41:00.007+08:00

Dunno whose great idea was it to go to Singapore, but since I overheard them making plans, I was invited along. Was torn between going, and staying for lab *yeah, right!* actually, but in the end, I went with them.

Wouldn't say it is the best trip of my life, Spain is still the best, but it's just amazing how it feels to hang out and travel with friends.

Wen Wen and Seow Yan really spent a lot of time taking us sight seeing, even though they were tired from work. Really thanks to them that we had a wonderful time. Wui Bin and Lai Fatt made the effort to join us for dinner most of the days too.

It's beautiful to have friends to spend time with.

At Mt Faber

The famous Merlion

Us gals

At Marina Bay Sands Skypark, where we saw Singapore from 56 floors up

PS: I think I'm in love with Singapore now...

Desa Waterpark

2010-08-08T10:37:00.005+08:00

Sometimes it's nice to just get away and play. With water. Kids have a high affinity towards water. There is just something really relaxing about splashing around, just feeling the water flow. And the laughter and shrieks of joy...

Yesterday was some kind of inter-varsity telematch organised by Acer and Intel, UniCol Splash Challenge. UTAR didn't win much, but all of us had a great time. Sure, everyone complained about the early wake-up time, and some even arrived late *I was one of them.. hehe...*, but at the end of the day, all agreed it was worth it.

Is it that UTAR can't release its inhibitions about things? Somehow, I feel, if we were able to relax, we could have done better. And yet again, we didn't have to win to have fun, right? Plenty of free stuff there too... Caricatures, face painting, henna drawing...

It was a day for me to totally relax, and forget about things...

UTAR is green

2010-08-06T23:21:00.002+08:00

I haven't updated in a long time. I feel the urge to write down, and yet, I cannot put what I feel into words, or rather, I do not feel comfortable sharing everything.

Actually, I'm feeling many things. I'm more sensitive, and yet, insensitive.

I'm still putting faith in that time will bring changes.

The past is history, the future will be the present

2010-07-16T23:32:00.003+08:00

Those who know me well, will know how much certain things or persons mean to me. By just typing 'Nan Hwa' in Youtube, the results that came up, shot me right through my heart. The pain, does not hurt, not physically.

I either love and hate both passionately, or I am indifferent to everything and everyone around me.

Ever since graduation from secondary school, July has been a month to look forward to. These past year or two, however, I've been dreading the unfairness of *certain people*. It's painful to see what we've worked for just vanish with a say-so from them.

How I wish I could cry.

It is difficult to look through the injustice and keep trying again. It is discouraging to watch all our dreams just get torn down. This is a losing battle, and yet, I'd give anything to see us try again and again and again...

I miss all of you already.

Just one gathering, and after that, the emptiness sets in. Where has the time gone? We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll share bits of our lives, and we'll go home separately. If this is what it means to be an adult...

Growing up is tough.

And here comes the tears...

It seems so long ago

2010-06-14T08:54:00.002+08:00

Do you know I still dream of you? Two days ago, you were with me, you were with me... It seemed too good to be true. Then I woke up. It was too good to be true.

People said two things, to stay away from you or to talk to you. I can do neither. Talking to you means I would be risking whatever I have left with you. You'd just walk away, leaving nothing behind.

Should I be grateful for the pitiful attention intervals? You have always been so good to me, no request of mine is unreasonable to you. I'm pathetic.

My life is in my hands, huh? Maybe I should just go out and get another guy.

All about talk

2010-06-01T09:50:00.003+08:00

For the past few weeks, hardly anyone has seen me online *I usually appear offline, but I do talk to people, however, in this case, I don't*.

My friends, I'm sorry if I have been distant with you. But, not talking to you doesn't mean I don't like you anymore.

It's just I have nothing to say to you at the moment.

If you were the one who find me talking to you only when I'm asking for help, do remember that you are the only one who can help me.

If you were the one who I complain regularly about things, do remember that I know you can ignore my rantings, and that's why I go to you.

If you were the one who I ask to accompany me for dinner and I don't talk during dinner, do remember that I just want to enjoy your company.

If you were the one who I hardly contacted this few weeks, do remember that you are still in my heart.

I'm sorry.

Day in the garden with Tango

2010-04-29T09:15:00.003+08:00

He does enjoy himself with all the twigs, branches and flowers. Or rather, his destructive nature comes into play.

All worn out...

Hold on

2010-04-15T13:23:00.002+08:00

My life is so full of everything, my emotions are running wild, it feels like I'm standing on my head...

I just gotta hold on...

Song Lyrics | Good Charlotte lyrics

My story

2010-04-06T11:31:00.004+08:00

It's funny how when you turn the page, you'll find an unexpected twist in the story. Interesting, gripping, but sometimes frustrating. It complicates things, making the story never ending. Yet, it brings a fresh outcome, one that nobody has thought of.

Life is exactly like this.

There are so many twists and turns, that I am unsure whether I am standing upright, or on my head. Everyday there is a routine, and some days bring excitment. Good excitment or bad? Both. When I think I have found the path to take, suddenly appears an obstacle which I have to go through.

It is never smooth sailing. I don't ask for it. Sailing without the winds goes nowhere. Winds bring the storms. Storms build better people, stronger people. I have yet to prove myself, because I know the winds are coming, and so is the storm, and I will face it bravely.

At the end, I hope my story is worth the read. An adventure, my adventure in LIFE.

Road kill

2010-03-28T15:37:00.002+08:00

Went to Kampar from Sitiawan this morning, took the old trunk road.

On the way, I saw three dead animals, maybe four, I couldn't recognize one of them. On the way back, took a slightly different route, saw another three . Poor things...

I had this conversation with my ex-housemate, XY. I don't know how it started, but in the end it got me thinking, and I'm still thinking.

XY: My friend once knocked over a dog.
Me: Har! What happened?
XY: It just ran out in front of his car. Didn't manage to brake, then knock lo...
Me: Then?
XY: The dog was still breathing, so he pulled the dog to the side. Then after few seconds, the dog died d...
Me: Well, at least it didn't suffer.
XY: Yea...

Is it kindness not to kill the animal outright? Maybe, some dog/cats/etc do not die immediately. Wouldn't it be prolonging their suffering? They are hurt so terribly, ruptured liver, spleen, collapsed lung, whatever.

I can barely imagine it. But if the animal can't be saved, shouldn't it be killed? The only way I can think of is to kill it by running over it again and do the job properly. End their suffereng. Cruel, I know. I can't bring myself to do it.

Seeing those animals on the road, just made me feel so sad. My mum keeps stressing, if I were to knock into an animal, or to swerve to avoid, and maybe hurt myself/passengers, I was to choose human over animal. I don't know if I can do it. Both sides blood will be on my hands.

Please please pray that I do not have to make this decision.

I am in a turmoil now.

Hectic

2010-03-18T20:43:00.001+08:00

Things are a little overwhelming right now. I don't even know where to start. Just hope everything goes well for me.

And for my friends too.

Relationships...
Friendships...
Work...
Study...

Dogs' names

2010-03-02T22:21:00.004+08:00

My family owned a few dogs, one after another, and naming them was always a problem. No one could agree on a name, and since there were four of us in the family, there would be four names, and usually the name my mum chose will be the one, cos my dad will finally give in to her. ;)

I thought back of the names that were chosen, including some of my relatives' and friends' dogs *funny how no one keeps cats*, and I realised, some were quite original *usually something silly*, and some plain and safe, and one downright weird.

Let's see...

My dogs:
Duchess
Patches
Copper
Tango

Nothing amazing there, except Tango. I have no idea why my dad gave him that name, maybe cos he's always dancing/jumping?

Relatives' dogs
Spitzy
Nellie
Tiger

Who names a dog Tiger? But take a look at this pic. Doesn't it look like a Tiger with its stripes?

Friends' dogs
Benjy
Benny
Puma
Scooper
Scoopy
Blackie
...

And the weird one
A Doberman Pinscher named Chicken *what was the owner thinking?* *believe me, that Doberman is no chicken!*

Oh, my Tango has slanting Chinese eyes... ^^

Animals in my life

2010-02-27T23:37:00.004+08:00

* Symbols

I had a cat for five years. Aloof and independent. He left, and maybe he'll never come back.

Source

Then I stumbled on a cow. Or rather a bull. Stubborn and restless. Maybe I was his entertainment, but he moved on to greener pastures.

Source

Out of the blue came a little puppy. Compliant and always willing to please. Too much pampering is bad for the soul.

Source

I pity the puppy. He's just too complacent. An unselfish, naive puppy. I thought I could bring him with me, but it turns out I can't. I just can't.

The bull has been forgotten. I will still welcome him, but just as one of the herd, and nothing more.

I want my cat back. I know I am probably asking for the impossible, but who says the impossible can't come true? I've thought this over, and I know I will wait.

At least until another cat superior to mine comes along.

Know yourself better on facebook

2010-02-20T21:22:00.004+08:00

http://apps.facebook.com/yourself_btr/

Your view on yourself:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are down-to-earth
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : People like you because you are so straightforward
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties

*I am down-to-earth, but I like to dream a lot. It has caused quite a number of problems, because reality is unlike fantasy. I have to learn not to be so direct when dealing with people, some people just can't take it...

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You like serious
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Smart
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Determined people
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You don't judge a book by its cover
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : So good-looking people aren't necessarily your style
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes

*I want someone I can't have...

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship

*Always start as friends, it's better to know each other first

The seriousness of your love:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : So you will find yourself with plenty of dates

*Plenty of dates?

Your views on education:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You listen to your own instincts
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Tend to follow your heart
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : So you will probably end up with an unusual job

*I certainly do not like to study, but I like to learn

The right job for you:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You're a practical person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Will choose a secure job with a steady income
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Knowing what you like to do is important
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Find a regular job doing just that
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You'll be set for life

*Well, I hope to be one step closer to my dream of working with animals with this upcoming project of mine

How do you view success:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are afraid of failure
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous

*Sometimes, I give up because I already know the outcome.

What are you most afraid of:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are concerned about your image
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : The way others see you
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : It's time for you to believe in who you are
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Not what you wear

*People take 10 seconds to form an image of you, and that image sticks in their mind. Call me superficial, but so is the rest of the world. This is my justification...

Overall, this quiz is rather accurate. But I do see my friends getting the same answers as me, and I don't think they fit the bill. Or maybe I just do not know them as well as I think I do.

Go on, give it a try...

Interview

2010-02-11T17:06:00.003+08:00

Will the Law of Murphy please stop punishing me!!!

Why is it when I am looking for a job, no one calls me up? I have already accepted a position as a research assistant and Masters student, and StemLife calls me to ask me to attend an interview.

StemLife!!!

It's a great company!!! I bet my future will be bright there...

Haiz...

This is the second time already!

The first interview was during my application for Masters in USM.

This second one is during my application for Masters in UTAR.

Argh!

I want to work already. But I have already been to a few meetings with my lecturers to discuss the project.

I can't back out now. It is just not ethical, and it'll be unfair to my lecturers.

I am just so frustrated...

Ask my heart

2010-02-08T23:41:00.002+08:00

He hasn't been online for some time, or at least I haven't seen him come online, and I am wondering what he has been up to, yet at the same time I do not think I wish to know.

I adopted a 'can't care less' attitude, with high hopes it would solve my problems, as it usually does, but the more I don't care, the more I seem to care.

Someone asked me to ask my heart, what do I actually want. The answer is not what I like.

Teach me to let go, and move on.

Or maybe it's just PMS. Yeah, that's it. It's a much simpler explaination.

恋爱会结束，但记忆却永恒留下...只要爱在心里，那不就是天长地久了吗？

Phuket Trip

2010-02-08T09:04:00.004+08:00

Had a great time in Phuket with my family. Went there for my grandaunt's birthday (she's 90 years old!) actually, but since we were there, why not go sightseeing and shopping? Make that more of shopping... Haha...

Sunset Point at Laem Promthep

Laem Promthep is considered the most beautiful viewpoint in Phuket, overlooking Nai Harn beach. It is at this point visitors can witness the finest view of the sunset. Too bad I left before sundown.

One of the many shrines

Grandaunt

Uncle and family + me and family

Phuket's biggest jewelry store

Factory outlet store, plenty of brand names like Nike and Levis for sale at low prices... *promoting, haha...*

Pretty?

Buffalo ride

I specially wanted to ride on an elephant. My elephant's name is Namsai, which means clear river.

Delicious Thai laksa made from different main ingredients

Everyone was pleased with this trip. My other relatives from Malaysia who travelled together. My dad got to walk the old streets of Phuket, my mum bought her jewelry, I had my elephant ride, my aunts and uncles did their shopping...

PS: My dad's talking about going again this June... Haha... He really enjoyed himself!

Oh dear

2010-01-16T00:47:00.003+08:00

It's that time again. The time where I feel my one of my faults creeping up to me again. I am starting to feel that possessiveness again. And I thought I did a good job conquering it.

When I feel the urge to burst out, I keep my mouth shut. It'll probably hurt me more than the others, and it's not worth it. Sometimes things will just turn out better than we expect it to be, even though we think it won't, so I'm hoping...

I am not talking to anyone, lest they should misunderstand. It's not easy to fathom my mind. Even I have trouble doing so. My heart tells me something, my mind tells me another. Follow rationality, or follow emotions?

Rationality makes others happy.

Maybe I should just take some time off, and leave everything behind. A friend told me, don't sacrifice your future for your friends, because they'll leave sometime too.

We'll see.

12th Kiwanis Youth Camp

2010-01-10T23:11:00.002+08:00

Pics credited to Natalie and Simon

I've been to 5 KYCs, and I have to say that this is the best *it gets better each year*. It was just so superbly awesome, I met new friends, I learnt new things, and most of all, I had fun. I was skeptical, at first, that I would get along with everyone, but, surprise surprise, I was able to.

There were 6 of us CAs *course assistants*, who were over the age limit for the participants, and the committee didn't know what to do with us, and therefore the CA posts were created. How does it feel to be a CA? I can't exactly explain, but it's different, it's new.

Kiwanis KL always organises the camps, and the 12th KYC was held in Earth Camp, Gopeng, which is run by Nomad Adventures. The main objective of the camp was to educate people and get people closer to nature. I'd say the concept is wonderful, and believe it or not, the whole camp was built by hand, by the Earth Camp people.

Tree houses where the CAs and KYC committee slept

PVC toilets and showers

The toilets and showers are really cute. Scary though, as there was a large gap at the door area where people *might* just see you in there. But everyone got used to it, or so I think.

Brian didn't think he could trust us to catch him when he fell... ;)

A KYC tradition is to decorate mailboxes so others could leave you notes

Caving at Gua Kandu

This cave used to be an underground water source. There was once a river running through it thousands, maybe millions, of years ago. The communist in Perak used Gua Kandu as a hideout. There were writings on the walls of the cave that said 'Long live Chairman Mao!'. Imagine staying in a pitch dark place, with sharp edges and pits, and only a single candle to last throught a whole month!

Objective: Contribute to building a mud house

The first completed mud house

One of Earth Camp's objectives was to use natural resources to do almost everything. Malaysia has an abundance of mud. The first mud house, built in a way similar to those in Africa etc, is expected to last up to two years, under the rain and shine of our weather. Amazing, isn't it? And it's so cooling in the mud house, that the occupants do not need to install any fan, just the windows will do.

The participants were supposed to cook their own dinner

Calm part of white water rafting at Sg Kampar

Sg Kampar is classified as a Grade 3 rapid, dangerous, but not too dangerous, suitable for beginners. The water level that day was perfect, high enough to cover the rocks, but low enough to still create rapids. Whoa! There was this mother rapid, that was just so exciting. For every single raft that went over it, there was at least one person that went overboard. All except my raft. =]

One element of the high ropes

Another element of the high ropes

The high ropes were located at Mountain School. Imagine walking on what seems like flimsy ropes and bits of wood 15m from the ground, with only a piece of lanyard for safety! Be informed though, that lanyard can support up to 2 tons. Almost everyone had pre-high rope jitters, even myself. But think of how it feels, to be so high up, being confident in your ownself, and completing the whole course, ending with a flying fox. Exhilarating!

Campfire during the last night

Hey, I learnt how to build a campfire!

The CAs with Arpex, Cindy and Mr G
Top from left: Natalie, Ming Wai, Vina, Arpex, Cindy
Bottom from left: John, me, Brian, Mr G

Arpex, Cindy and Mr G are just a few of the many friendly Nomad Adventure crew.

The CAs with the KYC and Kiwanis banner

Group photo

My friends always ask me why I like to go for camps. It's really very simple. Because I want to. There is something in these sort of camps, that make everyone want to come back. It is impossible not to enjoy, not to have fun. There is the comradship, a sense of belonging, a tie that bonds everyone together, regardless of age. The oldest here was 25, and the youngest 12. Everyone came to have a good time, and went away with a great experience.

I'd go for it again, and again. You guys are welcomed to join me next time.

Extra reading:
Nomad Adventures
Earth Camp
Kiwanis Club of KL

Quickie

2009-12-27T09:40:00.003+08:00

My holiday in Singapore is coming to an end. I've really enjoyed myself, and the hospitality of my host family has been just wonderful.

A few things has been happening, I'm not sure if it's really good, or what, but they are sure making my head spin, because of the unexpectedness.

I have a lot to think about, I have decisions to make. I believe nothing will spoil what I have now, but, time will tell.

The point is, I wish I didn't have to go home, but I need to. I have spent too much time away. Although I am still welcomed here, it is time for me to leave.

Thank you, Wen Wen, David, Pei Lee, Wei Hoong and Wen Wen's aunty and uncle, for making my holiday such a memorable one.

I'm Back

2009-12-22T09:50:00.001+08:00

I am back from the most awesome outdoor youth camp!

Won't be getting pics yet, therefore will blog about it some time later.

Woohoo!!!

I'm still on a high from all the activities.

I miss all of you from camp...

Home vs KL

2009-12-16T10:42:00.002+08:00

Quite a number of my hometown friends want to, if possible, don't leave Sitiawan. Sitiawan is where we grew up, our home, our roots. Life is so much slower. No one is in a hurry all the time. There is plenty of space for everyone.

But I prefer to stay in KL, at least for now. Because KL is a place to get things done. To work, to play, to do anything, except relax. Now is not the time for me to relax. I have to get my Masters paperwork done. I cannot do that in Sitiawan.

Sitiawan is for relaxing. When I'm back home, I just want to laze around, and not go out from the house. I don't want to run around doing errands with my mum, like I run around here in KL. I just want to sleep and basically do nothing.

KL, Sitiawan, two totally different places, both having completely different functions for me. I'm starting to love KL, but never the same way as I love Sitiawan. I'm a pure bred Sitiawan girl, and nothing can change this.

I miss gong piang

Source

Ken

2009-12-15T11:37:00.004+08:00

Why would I dream of Ken Chan Yik Wai?

I have a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y no idea.

What happened in the dream:

I had this exponential graph, and I was supposed to turn it into a log graph. Problem was, I didn't know how to do it *what a scary thought!*. One of the few basics in maths, and I couldn't do it! Anyway, Ken was nice enough to teach me.

So I had this beautiful linear graph. Then. Beer-Lambert law. Another basic in spectophotometry. I should know this! I should, I really should! How could I have no idea what it is??!!?? And once again, Ken was my hero.

I think I spent a good half hour awake trying to remember the formula, because Ken didn't give it to me in my dream. In the end, I just got up and googled for it.

What am I dreaming about? Exams are over! Even in this relaxing period I'm still thinking of my school work? Am I really working so hard? And what is the significance of Ken being in my dream?

LOL!

Wai ah Wai, you see la, even in my sleep I still think of you o... Are you feeling touched? Haha...

Ex

2009-12-15T11:17:00.003+08:00

I was chatting with a friend, about a certain someone, and another friend (with absolutely no connection to my first friend), asked 'Are you over your ex?' @@ *stunned* Suddenly, out of the blue, this question.

Anyway, I just replied, 'I guess so.', and he asked another question, 'Do you feel you were a good girlfriend?' @@! *stunned again* What the... He has never talked about this to me before, and it's so unexpected, coming from him.

Never mind what other questions he had for me after that. Was I a good girlfriend? That got me thinking. My hometown friends said we were perfect together, but, did I think we were perfect? Did he think we were perfect?

He said I was good to him, always concerned for him, taking care of him when he is sick, comforting him when he was down, boosting him even higher when he was up.

Is this the characteristics of a good girlfriend? Maybe I'm shallow, maybe I'm immature, but I feel it's up to each partner to describe their other half, because it's that person's opinion that counts, and not other people's.

To be able to feel hurt, is to be able to feel love. Anyway, I'll be seeing him quite a lot soon, as I *might* be travelling to Singapore with him.

Hm...

Thanks

2009-12-14T10:27:00.002+08:00

Thank you for the wonderful weekend. Even though it caused major lack of sleep for us who had fun, it was definitely worth it.

Kok Sheng, Kim Lup, Kelvin, Sally, Kheng Hooi, Li Yun, Khai Shen, Precillia, Sok Yin, Ban... All attended the so-callled co-curriculum. Seems like our group is growing, erm, need to introduce members' fees now? Lol...

Thank you Sok Yin and Kok Sheng, for allowing me to crash at both your places. I want to quickly settle everything, so I can get a room for myself, and don't disturb you.

So what's up next? I know Ms Ong's KL dinner, Christmas countdown and New Year countdown. Aiming for the New Year one, since I have my own plans in between.

It's gonna be a blast!

Eff

2009-12-14T01:11:00.002+08:00

Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut, but I was trying to be nice. I guess it didn't exactly pay off the way I wanted it.

Emotions. Personality. Took a test, and the results were so accurate. I won't elaborate much here, because, as the test satate, I don't often like to explain myself.

Get a grip, I need to get a grip. I think I am scaring people away. The tantrum today, it was bad. I felt bad afterwards.

I want to talk to someone, but I know the answer already.

I'm such an idiot.

F-!

Friends

2009-12-06T21:05:00.002+08:00

* I'm so lazy to update properly and I don't have pics

I've been spending a lot of time with my friends. Wen Wen was back for a week, and I was out with the gang almost every single night. It's great meeting him again, even though I met him in Semenyih a few weeks back. He invited us to Singapore for Christmas, and I guess I'll be accepting.

Just came back from Ms Ong's wedding dinner in Ipoh. The SRC gang. Even though I'm not in the committee, it's still great that we can hang out. Really crazy weekend in Ipoh, everyone slept over at SR kor kor's house, played Killer until 5.30am, slept, woke up at 9am. Whoa!

Will be going to KL this Wednesday, so hopefully, I can meet my other KL friends too, esp Seen, haven't spoken to her for a looooong time... Haha... Staying at Sok Yin's place, no worries in not catching up with her.

Thank you, my friends.

Wish

2009-11-24T14:33:00.002+08:00

For some reason, I've been dreaming about you, a lot, since that last Thursday. I realised I do miss you. Things are really different beween us. There is a space, a chasm, that is separating us, but then, we aren't together now, are we? I claimed that I am fine with the reason you gave me, but deep down, I guess I'm still questioning. I know you can't give me an answer that you think I would like to hear, you are not one to play around with me, we have built a level of trust that I believe we do not keep anything from each other.

I embraced my status willingly, because I love you. It is the right choice, because when I saw you, you were so bloody happy, that even though I ached a little, I was happy for you too. I was happy that there was no awkwardness among us, among the group. I was happy that I was able to attend the gathering. I've missed out on so much this year. What changed was that you were at one end of the table, and I was at the other.

These dreams have been getting to me lately. I thought I am fine. I know I am fine. But...

Why do I wish we were back together?

Dog Food

2009-11-17T21:08:00.007+08:00

Know a dog who can actually say 'no' to food?
Know a dog who doesn't eat dog food unless forced to?
Know a dog who won't eat food unless it was cooked with salt?
Know a dog who takes his own sweet time eating?
Know a dog who won't eat unless my dad fed him? *Used to*
Know a dog who actually chews his food during meal times?

And now, the cream on the cake:
Know a dog who hurt me by refusing to eat what I cooked?
And it was cooked pig's liver, meat and rice!!!

Tonight's dinner: Chicken stew and rice

After taking his own sweet time...

I swear, Tango has a better choice of food than many other unfortunate people. He is able to turn his back on his dinner when it doesn't suit him... He actually left his plate of food for two whole days when he decided he didn't like it. And meanwhile, my mum gave him treats to sustain him.

=.=!!!

Dog experts will be staring in horror at the food he eats. He is able to eat most of the food in the no-no list for dog food and not get sick. In fact, he seems healthier than ever, the vet says. Really tong sampah dog. Yet, how can he be so choosy over his food, I do not understand.

Post dinner game with his little rubber fishy

He actually growled at it because it didn't squeek

Leader = Power?

2009-11-14T20:52:00.002+08:00

* I think I will be shot because I feel I'm using a really harsh tone

Many things have been happening, and technically, it's none of my business. However, it involves the people who I call my friends, people who I call my hometown mates, uni mates. This still does not make it my business, but it makes me really upset to see them behaving the way they do.

You might say, I do not know the inside story. True, but what I know is, leadership comes with power, and you, have been misusing your power. Leadership has gone to your head. Your senior was bad enough, and you, are worse. Yes, I graduated a few years ago, but that doesn't mean I am not updated enough to know what is happening.

And you. Everyone has different opinions, and as a leader, you are the coordinator. You coordinate, you do not run the whole show, although people who support you will go along with what you want. I've been there, done that, and you know what? It saves the hassle of me planning, because you'll do it for me. Oh, I'm being sarcastic.

You too. Just because you are not the leader this time, doesn't mean you stir up trouble. Why is there no ceremony at the end of this year? Who do you want to blame? Why do you want to blame? Yea, that's right, point fingers at each other. That's the best you can do? The result? Those that are NOT troublemakers do not get the awards they deserve.

I am mad. I am sad. I am the outsider, the spectator, watching the show, the circus, the whole damn freaking act.

To be able to lead, is not to display your power. To display your power, is to show your insecurity. When you are a good leader, you do not need a display of power. People will naturally follow, because they need to, not because they have to.

Believe in yourself. Believe that you are able to be a leader. Believe in your followers. Believe that they will support you in everyway they can.

I have met some great people, around my age, who are wonderful leaders. One of them is Ah Boon. I am serious. He is one which I will gladly follow, no questions asked. I am not exactly sure of how he managed us that time, but I do know, if there was a chance, I'd choose him again.

Being a leader is not easy. Some are born leaders, they find leadership a snap of the fingers. People like me, however, have to work at it. I am not perfect. I try to think of the people whom I look up to, I listen to what they have to say, I remind myself of their flaws and strong points. And I try to get feedback from people who I am dealing with.

From what I studied in Interpersonal Communication, disagreements arise because of miscommunications. Sometimes the problem lies with the speaker, sometimes with the listener. It's all in the communication skills. The speaker has to find ways to get the point across gently, and the listener has to listen, not to hear.

I sure do hope you guys stop bickering like little children, and start acting like adults.

When

2009-11-11T12:32:00.003+08:00

Sometimes,

When the sun is shinning, and the sky is so nice and bright, suddenly you receive news that turns your whole world upside down.
You feel like your life is worthless, and that everything goes wrong, no matter what you do.

However,

When you're in that dark, grey world on your own, suddenly a friend calls, out of the blue, inviting you out for dinner.
You feel life is worth living again, because of a simple act of love, of friendship.

I know you don't read my blog, but, thank you my friend.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Only time

2009-11-09T12:36:00.003+08:00

J. K., this is for you. Once, you asked me when, I couldn't answer, but I hope this song will explain everything that I can't.

Song Lyrics | Enya lyrics

Hurt

2009-11-08T11:06:00.003+08:00

It's funny how it can hurt so much, when I'm asleep, until it wakes me up, and I can't close my eyes again, because the same scene will be playing over and over. No matter how I try to turn off my mind, it still comes back. I tell myself it is none of my business, and everyone has their own right, but that doesn't comfort me one bit. I do not want to think anymore about it, but there is nothing else for me to take my mind off things at the moment. I am still waiting for an email that determines my future. I want to focus on that, but what am I supposed to do when I'm waiting? That's when hurt comes in. I was so busy the past few weeks, I had so little time for my thoughts. It is a shield, being occupied, a shield to protect me from myself. I have a good imagination, sometimes too good, that I think too much, analyze too much.

I don't want to hurt, but, without the hurt, I don't think I can feel alive. Pain, and hurt, to me, it makes me feel, I am still living.

Sometimes

2009-11-08T05:17:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, it is better to just refrain from speaking what I want to say, for fear it may destroy the relationship I have with a person.

Sometimes, it is better to just pretend nothing has happened, because it might just be a misunderstanding.

Sometimes, it is better to just forget what has happened, and look towards the future.

Sometimes, it is better to just completely relax, and enjoy myself.

Sometimes, it is better to just let go, and move on.

Sometimes, I just have to go with my instincts, and do what I think is best for me.

Composer

2009-11-04T00:22:00.003+08:00

*Let me try to express myself and explain to my best ability...

My housemate has this friend, lets call him J. He's an amature composer, and a quite good guitarist and keyboardist. He asked my housemate to go over to a studio where he regularly records his songs, and she, in turn, asked me along.

The studio was so-so, enough facilities, but I do not want to talk about that. I want to talk about how I felt about the whole 'trip'.

J runs a one man show. You see, he wants more than one part in his music, in his songs, which usually means more than one person recording, right? He uses this software, which he connects to a keyboard, which he engineers the different sounds for different instruments. Nothing wrong in this.

But, his songs are 100% engineered. Fake, in my opinion. It totally eliminates the need for other players, other musicians. Maybe, he felt it is easier this way, without having to deal with people, especially when he is writing the scores.

Still, to create a 6 or 7 part song, and you just use yourself as the keyboardist, and you play all the parts on your own, using the different instruments available in the software, is this still called a band? Ok, so maybe you don't actually call it a band.

For me, music is to be played together. Sound engineering, audio engineering, may be used to enhance the music, not to completely create it. Where is the companionship, the relationships that are built through music? Between players?

Music is alive. It is not supposed to be something out from a computer. Initially, it *may* be. However, the final performance should be by real human beings, instead of a dumb computer. Music is to be felt, and that can only be achieved through people.

I believe many of the songs nowadays are engineered, and do correct me if I'm wrong, but their engineering is limited to editing the songs. I don't think that any artist or performer doesn't want credit for his/her performance.

As a musician, I am not a professional. But this is my comment to you, J: Although your songs are beautiful, they fall flat. Intonation, tone, volume, expression, they are all lacking. They will be lacking, in mechanically created sounds. You may be adjust all the settings, all the notes will be at perfect tempo, perfect beat. These are meaningless, if you do not put meaning into the song. Nothing is better than people, real people.

Good luck.

Prawns

2009-11-02T18:42:00.004+08:00

I am so proud of myself today.

What did I do? I shelled prawns~!! For the first time!! Haha...

Unshelled prawns

Shelled prawns

Prawn crap

A little sugar on raw prawns and the prawns will be firm and slightly crispy when cooked

The prawn heads are so hard and sharp. Dunno how many times I've been pricked. I have new profound respect for the people who shell prawns for me, namely my father and my mother.

Argh! I really do not know why I wrote this post... =.=!

Plans

2009-10-31T08:39:00.002+08:00

I promise myself I will never be like you.

Like how you have to be in charge of everything.

Do you know how hurt I am?

These are people dear to me, just like you.

But you seem to disregard them.

I understand I am precious to you.

I understand you try to let go.

I understand, I do.

But if I have to leave, then I have to leave.

You cannot keep me away forever.

They changed the plans to suit me too.

I hope you understand me like I understand you.

PS: And please don't be so high-strung, your blood pressure will rise.

Wanting

2009-10-29T01:01:00.006+08:00

*Life is not as messed up as it seems

Listening to an aquaintance tell her story, I feel like I am a princess living in a perfect world. Mine is so much easier than hers. A world where I get am able to get the basics for living, whenever I need, whenever I want.

And yet, I am discontented.

I have always been selfish. Most of the time I am able to bend people to my will, some way or another. I get almost everything I want, almost. It's good that I don't have everything. I'm already as spoilt as I am now.

A person's 'wants' increases as time passes, unless they are sick or dying, and then their 'wants' decreases. You say you maybe contented, but there is a little voice in you complaining, asking, wanting.

I do try to be better. To push aside my wishes, to do what others want, instead of what I want. To make them happy, to override my emotions, my feelings. I still have breakdowns, and then I hurt like HELL!

Currently I am tending to two (identifiable) people's wants. I am beginning to doubt myself. Is this really the path I want to walk? Because if I had my way, I think I might not, would not, have chosen this road.

Probably this is for the best. I am definitely not bitter over this. I know life is difficult, life is challenging, and life is all about the experience, be it good or bad. I will take what life serves me, albeit full of complaints.

I hope you are happy, because deep down, this is I want you to be.

Chivalry

2009-10-25T23:42:00.006+08:00

I was out last night, until 3am, and oh, chivalry isn't dead, did you know that?

Kean came around to pick me up, at about 11.30pm or so. We were supposed to meet another friend somewhere. So I was just waiting at the guard house of my condo, when he drove up. Guess what? He stopped and opened the car door for me to get in. I felt so nice. And I am still feeling good when I think about it now. Haha...

Before this, after my ex and me broke up, the only other a guy who opened a car door for me was Wei Shun. That time we were just leaving Sg Long, after the UTAR Sg Long Merdeka celebration. Robin was driving, and Wei Shun opened the back passenger seat door for me before getting into the front passenger seat himself.

Guys, just putting in a little more effort, a little more manners into how you treat a girl, and she will believe herself to be special. Even just a tiny subconcious act. Unless, of course, she takes everything for granted. A gentleman is difficult to find nowadays, based on what I've been hearing from people around me.

This is Kean

Ah Tok, the other guy in out 3-person gathering

Come to think of it

2009-10-25T03:26:00.007+08:00

* Pics courtesy of John

Come to think of it, could my exam results be what I wished for in Sg Lembing Lao Zi Temple?

Dragon's tail

Entrance to the temple starting from the tail

I have forgotten how long the trail was through the dragon's body. We were told to walk and walk until we reached the dragon's mouth .

Exit from the dragon's mouth

Touch the pearl and make a wish

It is said that once you exit from the dragon's mouth, touch the pearl, make a wish and your wish will be granted.

I guess I can disclose what I asked for. I wanted to pass my exams, with good results, but the results need not be too good.

Wishes do come true after all.

"It is a common belief here that when one comes out from the Dragon’s mouth, one will be blessed with the mystical prowess of the dragon, and will therefore obtain good luck and fortune."

Conversations

2009-10-24T08:57:00.002+08:00

Disclaimer:
This post is very vague.
I'll be using 'you' a lot, and please do not think I am talking about 'you'.
'You' consist of various friends whom I talk to.
These conversations are purely how I decipher 'your' words.

All these are actually connected to a single event. It's kinda difficult to see how, but after some thought, I figured it out. I shall start with the most recent conversation I had, which was last night.

You said, 'XX said XX'. Guess what? I had a horrible dream after that. Not that I blame you, it's purely my imagination that ran away, coupled with something another friend said. End result? Nightmare. But then, I have no say in what others do.

You said, 'humans are selfish, and for your own good, please 'insert action here', it's not easy, but you have to try'. Maybe I should let it go. I know where I stand now, but sometimes I just wonder. Will things be different? I am accoustomed to waiting. I have been waiting.

You asked me, 'what about you?', I said, 'nothing', and you said, 'nothing is good.' Maybe you're right. Nothing is good. I have freedom to do what I want. I was kinda sad that things didn't go your way, but since you seem optimistic, I'll just let it go, for the moment.

You asked me, 'how was your yam cha session the other day?'. It took me a full minute to figure out what you meant. It went well. I think we can actually be friends, contary to what people say. We have to, imagine how you guys would feel if we had a gathering and everyone feels awkward.

You told me, 'flirt all you want'. Frankly speaking, I don't exactly know how to flirt. And I don't know if I am. I just know that I like being around guys, and I'm comfortable around them. I need a crash course in flirting.

You said, 'girls will be jealous when you hang around guys too much'. I grew up around guys. My playmates were guys. I don't have many girl friends, even in primary or secondary school. In college and uni, also more guys than gals. I know of girls who get jealous, I'm sorry, but I can't do anything.

Various conversations date even further back. I am not sure if I am currently living for the past, present or the future. Sometimes I look into the future, and I see what I want to see. Other times, the past seems so much brighter.

There is no main point in this post. There are just too many things on my mind now. I want to get rid of them one by one.

You said, 'your blog is too wordy'. Yes it is, but I write to release, and if I can capture, that's good. When I write, I do not have to face an actual person to say what I want to say. Another reason why I have a bigger open-self in MSN. Why I reveal more.

That's all at the moment, time to move on to other things.

2009-10-21T23:45:00.002+08:00

I have so much that I want to write about, I do not know where to start.

All I know is, I thank my friends for the good times that we had so far, because I do not know how much longer these times can last. This is a very confusing period in my life, not only due to my future studies, but also in relationships, be it friend or family. I am still trying to find myself, to understand myself, and to be myself, instead of some fake person who shows others what they want to see, and not who I really am.

Change in the tide

2009-10-21T08:40:00.005+08:00

It's funny how the best laid plans are never set in stone. Our environment is constantly changing, whether we notice it or not. The subtle alterations in our microenvironment. Maybe just a twitch of our facial muscle, and the outcome of the something, anything, might be totally different.

I, or rather, me and my friends, went for a meeting with this company, MedKlinn, who wants us to do clinical studies on their product, iOsis. The meeting was all about how to use the product, and what they expect from the clinical studies that they hoped we would do for our Masters.

iOsis by Medklinn
*This is not an advertistment*

Let's start at the beginning of the story. Bioscience in UTAR is located in Kampar campus, meaning us bioscience students, have to relocate to Kampar. There were mixed feelings about this. Two of us wanted to stay in KL, one wanted to leave KL, one couldn't care less where she was. My supervisor was quite reluctant to travel to Kampar.

Anyway, we pulled ourselves together, and started focusing on The Big Move. We had planned on our accomodation *we were to stay together*, we had planned on our transportation *we had a car*, we had planned on a lot of things. Well, maybe Kampar could be fun, you know, with friends and all.

Then, this meeting came up. And now it seems, we don't even have to go into the lab. It's clinical studies. We do not have any lab work, all the lab work is done by hospital labs or private labs, since all we need is regular blood test results from patients. Completely all field work.

Where do we get these patients? In hospitals. Which hospitals do we get patients from all walks of life? KL hospitals. So we're back here. Again, mixed feelings about this. We have already gotten used to the idea of going to Kampar, and we have to adjust ourselves to the thought of staying back.

This might change again, depending on which direction the wind blows. For now, we haven't even submitted our proposals yet, there are still too many questions to be asked, and nothing is answered. It's exciting, yes, but at the same time, it's scary, it's overwhelming, it's confusing. When will the wind be just right? When do I set sail?

The tide turns every six hours. I have to push off soon. Wish me luck in making the right decisions.

朋友变情人再变朋友

2009-10-17T09:21:00.002+08:00

It was nice to see you again, although I had my doubts that we would ever be friends. Actually, there was nothing much to talk about, my part consisted more of giving you directions on how to drive around Setapak, Bukit Bintang and KLCC. And maybe a little on uni, that's all.

I've recovered, but it's still a little awkward, that's why I was rather happy with CK joined us. Listening to the both of you crapping in 福州, made me long for the days gone by. I will not say it's great that we are friends, but it's a good start. I don't hate you for hurting me so much.

One week to the day when you broke up with me.

Happy aniversary.

Final Results

2009-10-16T00:00:00.007+08:00

Yea, final results are out. How did I do? Better than I expected. Not as good as most, but I'm not ashamed of what I accomplished this semester, my final semester. I'll be graduating in the second lower class, and I accept that.

GPA of 2.87, my personal best. But what I am most proud of, is the A- I got for my project: FYP and It's finally over. Actually, thanks a lot to Dr Haresh, I think he was quite lenient with the marking... I bet no one under other supervisors got such a high score.

Like I said, I did not expect much, I even expected to sit for the supplementary paper. No one, except those who have sat for the supp paper previously, knows how relieved I was, when I checked, and found out I wasn't one of the few unlucky ones.

My results, especially for oncology, came as a surprise. After knowing that I am not sitting for supp paper, I just thought, whatever, C is good enough, since for most of my coursework marks, I was around 50%-60%, even though I really worked hard.

Medical genomics, already expected a C, so no comment on that.

Oncology, I failed in my coursework. But to get a B-, I had to have at least 68.5/100 in my finals. How I ever achieved that, I have absolutely no idea. Maybe it had something to do with the 12m+13m of thinking questions?

Pharmacology, the study of drugs. I refered to my notes, and calculated all the marks for each question. What I got was the best case scenario. I was actually prepared to get a D. How terrible, huh? Guess our dear Dr Anthony is being generous with the grades too...

Virology, Dr Say must be crazy. His questions he asked were totally out of the blue, and came as a shock to practically the whole course. Same goes for when his results were announced. I think quite a number of my friends are still wondering, how did we ever get this?

The only disappointment came from Interpersonal Communications. I thought I did ratherwell. I guess Ms Catherine is just as strict as she was during PR class. An elective subject, and there were people who failed it... It's just kinda pitiful. I mean, it's an elective, why don't you just let us pass?

I do not know how to explain this 'phenomenon'.

Was it the constant revision everyday in uni? I doubt it, otherwise, why would I have failed in my coursework?
Was it the studying as a group? My group consists of people from different courses, and not a single one from my own course. So there was no group discussion for me, besides the one on where to go for supper.
Was it the lecturers being merciful? Some of my lecturers are well known for being very liberal with the pen, meaning a lot of red marks. Figure that out yourself.
Was it... I can come up with these three for now.

Oh well, I did do my best.

And I do thank my study group: Khai Shen (driver *lol*, QS), Kok Sheng (driver *lol*, CI), Ken (driver *lol*, CL), Kheng Hooi (CL), Sally (CL), Sok Yin (3E), Teck Wei (CI), Peat Ming (MH), Kim Leong (provided the mosquito coil *lol*, ME), Kim Lup (CI), Yi Gang (CI)... Did I leave anyone out? Although not everyone came everytime, it's still fun to study together.

Status: Completion of study.

Industrial Training

2009-10-12T11:38:00.002+08:00

A few of my friends are starting training today. Wonder how their first day is going to be like. New surroundings to adjust, new people to meet, and probably new job that is totally unexpected. I sure hope, I wish for them, to enjoy the whole stint, because I sure did love mine.

I don't think I had a post on my internship last year.

Industrial training for bio students is not compulsary for my batch. I still applied anyway, because I want the experience of working in a lab, which I most likely will be doing someday. Hospital Angkatan Tentera Lumut. My workplace of choice.

First day:
As usual, briefing and introduction to the lab departments together with its officers. I felt kinda nervous, because it was the first time I was going to work with so many Malays and I wasn't very exposed to their culture before, even though my dad works in a 'Malay dominated' environment.

Subsequent weeks:
I was assigned to each department on a rotation basis. There were a total of 9 departments, and I was a total rookie in each. Why? Because my practical skills sucked. UTAR only taught theory, and well, I was asked numerous times, 'what exactly did you learn in UTAR?'. How embarassing!

Alright, so most departments used machines to run the diagnostic tests. But nothing beats manual testing sometimes. Especially in preparation of slides. Blood films. I don't know how many slides have I ruined... But they are really nice, they really took the time to teach me, and allowed me to practice as much as I want.

One skill that is very useful in the diagnostic labs and is not taught in UTAR, is phlebotomy. What is that? Phlebotomy aka venipuncture, is the process of obtaining intravenous access for the purpose of intravenous therapy or obtaining a sample of venous blood. In simple english, is the drawing of blood from a vein.

I was very nervous the first time. Never done it before. But the patients who I did the venipuncture, they were quite patient with me, you know, being patients *swt, lame pun*. Still, being the armed forces personnel, they weren't exactly supposed to cry out in pain or complain right? Haha, I was at an advantage there.

Didn't take pictures there, because firstly, I didn't have a camera, and secondly, I didn't think I needed to. Well, maybe I'm wrong, memories do fade. It doesn't matter now anyway. It's all stored well and proper in my brain. And I'm still welcomed to go back to the lab whenever I want.

They are very nice people. Very very nice. Including the other trainees. I don't exactly miss them, but I do treasure what I learnt, and all my experience gained, because of them.

Resume

2009-10-12T01:19:00.003+08:00

*edited

I wonder how people write resumes?

I've been writing mine for the whole day and I just can't seem to get it write (right)...

Do excuse the pun.

Argh!

I'm so frustrated now!

Oh, please do tell me that all this trouble is worth the job...

********************

I've finished with what I think it's the best I can do for now.

Anyone interested to help me read and correct whatever that should be corrected?

My deadline is Wednesday. I plan to submit it on Thursday.

Packing, packing

2009-10-11T14:16:00.007+08:00

Well, time to move out. Or my stuff first, at least. I'll be staying until end of October. The whole downstairs seems like it's been hit by a tornado the first few hours of packing...

Before:

Xinyi and Evelyn posing with Xinyi and my stuff *so darn messy!*

My table

1/4 of Xinyi's stuff

Improvement... Most of it packed nicely into boxes and bags and files...

After:

My parents came and took away some of my things, Xinyi's cousin helped her move hers

Looks like I'll be living out of a suitcase the next few weeks

The whole three years, it always seemed like there were never enough stationary, clothes, food, or whatever. But when it's time to move, it feels like there is a tonne of stuff to pack and clear and throw. And the packing is never ending. Once a box is sealed, there will always be something that is left out, and the box has to be re-opened and re-sealed...

My parents will be here again next week for the next load. Phew! Thank goodness for them...

I'll miss KL, but I'll be back. Most likely on the 7th Nov. =]

It's finally over

2009-10-08T21:02:00.004+08:00

I am so darn proud of this book!

How many/much:

time spent on it
times we couldn't get Dr Haresh
times feel like committing suicide *this is a joke*
times feel like giving up
times pushing myself to the limit
times pushed by other to exceed the limit
tears shed
ranting and raving
consolations from friends
writing
taking pictures
re-taking pictures
editing
submitting over and over again for what feels like eons

And finally, it's all over. Tomorrow at 5pm, it'll be a closed chapter for me. Just to wait for the formal results, and convocation.

This whole semester I've survived only for thesis. Writing the thesis to live, or living to write the thesis? The latter is how I felt. Is how everyone felt.

I am experiencing such a thrill now. Thrilled that I am able to say, Dr Haresh, sir, this is my thesis, hard bound with the soft copy in the CD, just like you requested.

It's a once in a lifetime feeling. My Bachelor of Science degree thesis. I am not going to let my sentiments and foreboding get me down tonight. No, not tonight.

Thank you Dr Haresh.

To heave a sigh of relief

2009-10-08T19:27:00.004+08:00

Well, seems I've passed. It's really a lift of my shoulders. Now I'm just worried about my cgpa. The 6 credit emphasis on my project is kinda heavy. Dr Haresh said my thesis was ok, and hopefully he's not just trying to cheer me up. I could make use of the boost.

Met up with two old friends today. The girl, then the guy. Hmm... What did the girl say? What did the guy say?

Girl: Mei Sze, nice to be single right? Can flirt with whoever you want, without any worries of a 'certain someone' being jealous. By the way, are you still in contact with your ex? How long you didn't see him d? Why you guys broke up ah? What a pity, so many years together.

Sounds like an interrogation? Haha... Far from it. I'm just putting what she said all together, without my response. Dear Ms Yeoh, I know you won't be mad at me for playing with your words right? Hm... Miss the times in Penang where we were roomates.

Guy: Mei Sze, what insurance do you have? What insurance does your family have? Can I do a survey? I need to do a 100 person survey on the insurance that they buy. Please help me fill up this form. Thanks so much.

Nah, that was just about 0.1% of what was our overall conversation. Yea, he's working now, after his diploma. He has a dream, and working towards it, although the government is being a a$$*as usual* in the selection of candidates for local uni. 3.99 from a polytechnic and can't get into UTM.

Two different people, two different worlds, same peace of mind in knowing that they are my friends. Sometimes all it takes is effort from both sides, both parties have to put in just a little more, and the rewards *for me, at least* in ten fold, hundred fold, actually, priceless.

Liggy and me (Yeah, we went to Subway for lunch =] )

Think of me

2009-10-05T07:40:00.007+08:00

Think of me, think of me foldly
When we've said goodbye
Remember me, once in a while
Please promise me you'll try...

**********

My life is great.
I'm just pouring out my feelings, so please don't worry too much about me.
I can handle it.
If you are concern about me, thank you very much.
It means a lot to me.
I know I keep bugging people a lot, and I'm sorry.
But I really need to let out.
So help me please.
I need closure and assurance.

**********

This chapter in my life is closing soon. My friends have heard me mention this gazillion times, and yes, I'm going to say it again, I wish I didn't have to go. It's just been a few days, and I'm miss everyone already. It's getting lonely at home.

I know many of you think I am strong, but inside I might be breaking into pieces, and you would not know it. However, I will make myself strong, because I don't think you guys would like to see me down and broken.

Maybe I do wallow in self-pity. A sort of martyr. But I'd do anything in my capability for my friends. Anything. Even travelling to and fro KL for a friend's birthday and risking a major scolding from my mum. Well, hasn't happened yet, but I'll do it.

Why the emphasis on my friends? My friends are the world to me. I don't know how much I mean to them, but they certainly are priceless on my part. Even those who I didn't contact this semester. I'm sorry, but I just didn't have the time.

I'd choose to do my Masters in UTAR, just to be here with you, and you, and you, but I'll probably be transferred to Kampar, and I don't want that. But I think I'll have a little difficulty in the other unis, I'm not exactly a very good student. In terms of studies.

Someone said, now virtual friends network ma. I say, face-to-face always beats virtual everytime. I need the physical contact. I can't live in a faceless, virtual world. It's just not natural. I need the intimacy, the touching, the feeling.

My friends have been really supportive, telling me they'll come out for gatherings, but I know better. Everyone has their schedule. I can't and don't expect them to drop everything just for me. Although I really hope there is a day where everyone can meet.

I am not prepared for this, even though I've been reminding myself over the semester that good things come to an end. It's a childish thought, wanting to hold on to the present when I know I have to move on. Somehow, knowing and actually doing it, are two different things.

Thank you Ms Ong, Kok Sheng, Kelvin, Teck Wei, Ken, Kheng Hooi, Khai Shen, Sally, Pei Seen, Yi Gang, Peat Ming, Hon Sern, Cheu Chyong, Kee Chean and more. You guys made me do many new things which I haven't done before. Many first times this semester. I really treasure the moments.

Maybe it is time to cheer up. And look forward to what the future has to offer. But the past is what shaped me, and I can't and won't give that up. I'll be waiting to see what happens. What will happen.

Pic by Seen
The sun will still rise, no matter where we are.
Time keeps flowing, we have to keep up with it.

**********

Flowers fade, the fruits of summer fade
They have their seasons, so do we
But please promise me that sometimes
You will think of me...

Quickie

2009-10-05T00:37:00.001+08:00

Back from Sg Lembing.

Will blog about it soon...

Frus but will feel relief soon

2009-09-28T18:26:00.008+08:00

I am most certainly experiencing a case of 'If It Can Go Wrong, It Will!'

Damnit! My phone is dead again. Stupid phone. Seems like need to service every two weeks! Well, this time it lasted for 1 month, which is a big improvement, I suppose. What's the matter with it? Come on...

How I wish to go straight down to Lowyat and dump my phone at my friend's counter! Ok, I don't think it's his fault, even though he was the one who sold me the phone. But it's so frustrating to keep having the same problem over and over again.

Dear laptop came up with a blue screen, which scared the hell out of me. Don't ever crash on me now! I better start backing up my thesis! I still have to print two copies for the final submission. Bound hard back, gonna cost me more than a few bucks, but then, so does every final year student.

Coffee. When I need the boost, the coffee I drink doesn't give it to me. Today, I drank it without thinking, and guess what? I'm feeling so darn hyper and irritable and I feel like vomitting. My heart is palpitating.

Bought a pair of sandals, the big, chunky, clumping, unlady-like kind my mum hates. Haha. She threw my old ones away, and so I got new ones. Alright, it wasn't intentional, but still, she threw them away! I'm so gonna protect this pair...

Almost all of my friends have finished their papers. Tomorrow morning's my last. I've calculated, I just need about 37/100 to get a C. That's all I need. That's all I want. How much more can my CGPA drop? Unless I fail my project, which I'm pretty confident that I did ok.

Looking forward to Sg Lembing. That had better not go wrong! It's my time to spend with friends. Friends who I might have a little difficult meeting some other time. Friends who made me so socially active this semester. Hah!

Wish me luck for tomorrow. I'm so not in the study mood right now. It feels like holiday already. =]

May everything be alright

2009-09-26T00:40:00.002+08:00

Everything will be alright

Everything will be alright

Everything will be alright

*Deep breath*

Ok.

Smile

2009-09-24T07:52:00.002+08:00

Mei Sze smiles, because she has a social obligation to fulfill.

She derives no pleasure from the simple smile.

At least, not at the moment.

She promised someone, and she will do it.

She is tired of not being able to smile, but can't find a reason to.

It's all superficial.

It's all in the mind.

It's all in the heart.

Please help her.

When and what

2009-09-24T00:24:00.004+08:00

When and what does it take for me to realise I need help?

Is this the first step? Admitting that I need help?

When and what does it take for me to ask for help?

I don't want to trouble others.

When and what does it take for me to open up?

I hurt so much, and yet I can't shed a single tear. It is all bottled up in me.

Is it better if I disappear from your life?

Everything is simple, I just make them complicated. Feelings makes things complicated. But they also makes things interesting, fun and memorable.

I have to choose.

The sun will shine

2009-09-22T10:39:00.008+08:00

No matter how bad things seem the day before, it always looks better the next day. Sleep on it.

I've been having a little trouble here and there, but when I wake up in the morning, suddenly it does not feel like a problem. It just feels like a minor hiccup in my life.

That's why I should not, would not, cannot make impulsive and irrational decisions at night. Wait until the sun rises, and let time take matters into its hands. There is just something about the sun that makes people feel good.

However, this does not apply to exams. =[

I have three more papers to go.

I'm setting myself up again. I'm playing with fire, and enjoying it. Well, it's gonna be all my fault. Just please don't tell me 'I told you so', even though I deserve it. I just want to savour the moment and time spent. I'm sure it's worth it.

Wondering how it will be like after I leave UTAR. Or should I stay back? My supervisor is not responding to my messages, and I haven't spoken to him personally. He is so damn busy. But I don't want to go to Kampar. It's too ulu, although it is my grandpa's hometown.

WIll my friends think of me? Have I been a person worth remembering? Worth the time spent on? I certainly hope so.

Lately my posts have taken on a darker tone. Happiness is a choice right? I do feel I'm happy, just that there is a weight in my heart. Can't define it yet, or is it that I don't want to?

Called David last night. Haven't spoken to him in months. And guess what? He was at WX's house. Suddenly, I was indifferent. I couldn't careless. I just sent my regards to him.

Think positive, feel positive, be positive.

Look through the world with wide wondering eyes and from a different perspective

2009-09-14T11:03:00.002+08:00

Today's my first paper. I am not sure how prepared I am. Looking at the past year papers, well, I can give most of the points, although not exactly word by word. But unfortunately, my lecturer wants word by word, which is something I am having difficulty right now.

Almost everyone around me has been feeling blue. Is this some kind of bug? Is it catching? How curable is it? Because I've been having it throughout the whole semester. 14 weeks. Crap weeks for studies. And I've been really sick for 3 of those weeks. Thank goodness it was just normal sickness.

I do think this 'blue' bug is transmissible. Even my friends in other unis have contracted it. Coupled with stress, most people go around wearing masks. Those that use to wear their heart on their sleeves, have retracted into their shells. People like me, who are already in their shells, close up the openings and hide away, refusing to come out.

However, there are things and people for me to be grateful towards:

My WFC committee-who taught me leadership

My friends in SRC-who taught me how difficult it is to be working for people who mostly don't really appreciate what is being done and also the importance of really working together as a team

My darling cousins Ming Hui and Ming Wai-who baby me throughout one weekend when I was really down

DSA officers-who I didn't know were so crazy *grins*

My hometown friends-although I only met you people once, it feels like home, like how it felt before time in KL

Chow Kong-who ferries me to and fro GK and 熟到烂 friend

Sook Fong-who knows me when I didn't know myself

Sim, Kelvin-who listened to me rant and rave about my thesis

My housemates-who keep being noisy and smiling throughout the whole semester, letting me know there is still life even though we're all rushing for time

My parents-who keep coming to KL to see me and Ming Sern despite their hectic schedule, and bringing me lots of food, esp chicken essence

Wei Jie-who made me feel that my ideas are still valued

My thesis-which made me work hard, harder than I ever had

My W595-which made me appreciate how hard I had to save up for it

My trusty laptop-which *thankfully* didn't crash on me

Ok. Enough of the gratitude. Time to crawl back and hide away. Bring out the poker face. I'm back to my original state.

I've made up my mind to meet him. Now, I need an escape route, just in case. I'm both excited and nervous. I'm confused. I'm afraid. I can still back out though, if I want. I'm scared. But I don't want to. At least, I don't think I want to. There's no point in thinking too much right? Like Ken said, 'at least your ex still wants to meet you, unlike mine.'

One thing is for sure, there will be no reconciliation with him. He has already stated it very explicitly during the break up. I don't mind.

I miss my Tango.

Right now, exam first. No more distractions. Wish me luck, tonnes of luck.

How fast time flies

2009-09-05T10:44:00.004+08:00

The past three years seemed so surreal.

Especially the past few weeks.

It's time that I leave now.

What have I learnt?

Will I come back?

Will we meet again?

PS: It's been almost a year already. Am I ready to face you again? I'd like to much to meet you, only I'm afraid to. Should I? Should I be afraid? But I think I can handle it...

Adapted from Teardrops on my guitar

2009-08-31T11:22:00.005+08:00

Lyrics acknowledgement to Wai Kit (MRSA)

Harxxh, looks @ me,
I fake a smile so he wun c
Tat he wans and Im doing,
Avthing tat thesis shd b
He’ll bet it’s beautiful,
Tat thesis he toks about
& he’s got every thesis tat I hav 2 live without....

Harxxh toks 2 me,
I laf cos it’s jus so funny
The horny joking
& av gossips around him
He says he’s so tired,
He’s finally mark it right
I wonder if he knows thesis’s all I think about @ night

It’s the reason 4 the Salonpas behind my bek
The only ting tat kips me wishing on a wishing star
It’s the thesis in my bag,
I keep thinking dunno wat 2 do

Harxxh walks by me,
He told me he wans c me
& there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of movement that im so worry
He better read it right,
Give it all his focus
Look in those beautiful information,
& know I’ve put my effort cause

It’s the reason 4 the Salonpas behind my bek
The only ting tat kips me wishing on a wishing star
It’s the thesis in my bag,
I keep thinking dunno wat 2 do

So I take bus home alone,
As I turn out the light...
I put his picture down and maybe
Get some slp 2night

It’s the reason 4 the Salonpas behind my bek
The only 1 hu’s got enaf 4 me to write till dawn
It’s the thesis in my bag,
I keep thinking dunno wat 2 do
It’s the time, taken up, but there’s nvr enaf
& it’s all tat I nid 2 score into

Harxxh, looks @ me,
I fake a smile so he wun c

I guess this sums up everything I want to say...

Friends and family week

2009-08-28T19:45:00.015+08:00

A lazy to elaborate post...

Those few hours, or even those few minutes, spent with the people I care about, makes it worth all the heartache and tiredness.

Who: The Wan family
Why: Papa and Yeye's birthday
Where: One Soup Gang restaurant in Kepong
Extra: My bro's smile is so rare, it's a pleasure to see it

Who: KLCK, KS SR kor kor, Kheng Hooi, Sally and me
Why: For fun
Where: Bukit Tabur, Taman Melawati
Extra: Two days of sore muscles

Who: Vivian, Chuck, Chia Li, Nicole, Manpreet, Fook Seng and me
Why: Virology poster presentation
Where: UTAR SA lobby
Extra: 80/100

Who: Teck Wei 的宝贝猪, KLCK, Kheng Hooi, Sally and me
Why: To search for the perfect pair of jeans
Where: Mid Valley
Extra: Cute monster figures and Krispy Kreme donuts are not as good as people say they are

Who: Darling Tango
Why: Chew toy time
Where: Sitiawan
Extra: He missed me... He was fawning over me... Haha!

Aw...

2009-08-23T20:58:00.001+08:00

Mei Sze Is Good For You.

Generated by the Advertising Slogan Generator. Get more mei sze slogans.

Am I?

Haha....

Trouble

2009-08-22T03:04:00.000+08:00

I am in so much trouble.

I better get my act together, and stop tearing myself apart.

Just two more weeks to go. Two more weeks. TWO MORE WEEKS.

Remember, two more weeks.

Two more weeks of *stuff*.

I cannot afford to lose concentration now.

Tell myself, just go with the flow.

Everything will straighten itself out, whether I like it or not.

Yes, they will.

I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, I am happy.

Am I? I think I put too much feelings into things and people and whatever that applies...

By the way, how deep does Hurt hurt? I am just so curious.

Class cancelled

2009-08-17T08:04:00.002+08:00

Yeah, my classes for the week have been cancelled, but not the tests... o.O

And even though I'm not going to class, I'm still going to uni. I have to go. To study, to do revision, to do stuff.

The never ending study cycle, is, never ending.

Just

2009-08-10T06:43:00.007+08:00

Just a phone call...

Just a simple message...

Just a few hours spent...

It can make all the difference...

Thank you so much!

I love you guys, I really do...

Source

Yes, Your Excellency

2009-08-08T13:30:00.007+08:00

I remembered what you said to me 2 months ago. Yeah, you called me redundant. Thank you very much. Just be reminded that I do not owe you anything. If there is anyone who owes someone something, it is you.

I'm a different person this semester. 11 weeks into the semester. 3 weeks to the end, before finals. How did I change so much? More importantly, how did I change? Can I blame UTAR? Or should I blame myself? I am so much more selfish and self-centered. I've always prided myself on not bowing to stress.

I've been dissing friends left and right. I realised I could just stand up and leave in the middle of a conversation, especially during onlline chat. I never did that before. Now I've been doing it like a thousand times. I just couldn't care less.

I met a whole new bunch of friends this semester. Guys. I just feel more comfortable with them, than with girls. What happened to my old ones? I have absolutely no idea. I tried to keep in contact with them, cos I don't see them around in uni, but unfortunately, I don't get a response. I'm tired of chasing ghosts.

My personal life is a mess. I've been going out with different guys every week, not on dates, mind you. I just get out from the house, I feel better for a few hours; I get back here, and I'm down in the dumps again. No, I'm not PMSing.

And I'm talking to myself a lot. I am not schizophrenic. I am not delusional. I do not hallucinate, nor do I have distortion in perceptions. I just talk to myself. People have come up to me to ask who I am talking to, and when I say no one, they look at me strangely, like I'm a freak. Maybe I am.

I solve my problems. I don't talk about me to other people, unless I'm really comfortable and trust that person. (X) is one of them. But then, even (X) doesn't know the whole story. I give only half. The other half, is still mine to keep. I can take care of me. I've always been able to take care of me. I will always figure something out.

Poker face. That's the advantage I have over others, or so I think. Build a shell, let no one in. Give no clue to what I feel. Occasionally, that shell breaks, and I'm in deep shit. I played with fire, and I got burnt. Serves me right. I won't be doing it anytime soon.

Evelyn is so sweet to me. She knew I was looking for formal wear for my thesis presentation, and she purposely drove me to The Curve to search for it. She was like 'Mei Sze, IF IF IF I finish revision, then we go, k?' Then 10 minutes later, 'Mei Sze, come lets go.' Love her for it.

I need encouragement. I need a push. I need some motivation. 2 supplementary papers last semester was enough to give me a boost to study harder this sem. But it seems like it is wearing off. I want so much to be able to cry and scream out loud. Unfortunately, poker face me is unable to do so. Poker face. The expert at concealing feelings. Only smiling and saying 'I'm fine'.

I've hit a rough patch. Life is throwing at me all sorts of crap. But I will get over it. I know I will. It just takes time. I have time.