Frus but will feel relief soon

I am most certainly experiencing a case of 'If It Can Go Wrong, It Will!'

Damnit! My phone is dead again. Stupid phone. Seems like need to service every two weeks! Well, this time it lasted for 1 month, which is a big improvement, I suppose. What's the matter with it? Come on...

How I wish to go straight down to Lowyat and dump my phone at my friend's counter! Ok, I don't think it's his fault, even though he was the one who sold me the phone. But it's so frustrating to keep having the same problem over and over again.

Dear laptop came up with a blue screen, which scared the hell out of me. Don't ever crash on me now! I better start backing up my thesis! I still have to print two copies for the final submission. Bound hard back, gonna cost me more than a few bucks, but then, so does every final year student.

Coffee. When I need the boost, the coffee I drink doesn't give it to me. Today, I drank it without thinking, and guess what? I'm feeling so darn hyper and irritable and I feel like vomitting. My heart is palpitating.

Bought a pair of sandals, the big, chunky, clumping, unlady-like kind my mum hates. Haha. She threw my old ones away, and so I got new ones. Alright, it wasn't intentional, but still, she threw them away! I'm so gonna protect this pair...

Almost all of my friends have finished their papers. Tomorrow morning's my last. I've calculated, I just need about 37/100 to get a C. That's all I need. That's all I want. How much more can my CGPA drop? Unless I fail my project, which I'm pretty confident that I did ok.

Looking forward to Sg Lembing. That had better not go wrong! It's my time to spend with friends. Friends who I might have a little difficult meeting some other time. Friends who made me so socially active this semester. Hah!

Wish me luck for tomorrow. I'm so not in the study mood right now. It feels like holiday already. =]

May everything be alright

Everything will be alright

Everything will be alright

Everything will be alright

*Deep breath*

Ok.

Smile

Mei Sze smiles, because she has a social obligation to fulfill.

She derives no pleasure from the simple smile.

At least, not at the moment.

She promised someone, and she will do it.

She is tired of not being able to smile, but can't find a reason to.

It's all superficial.

It's all in the mind.

It's all in the heart.

Please help her.

When and what

When and what does it take for me to realise I need help?

Is this the first step? Admitting that I need help?

When and what does it take for me to ask for help?

I don't want to trouble others.

When and what does it take for me to open up?

I hurt so much, and yet I can't shed a single tear. It is all bottled up in me.

Is it better if I disappear from your life?

Everything is simple, I just make them complicated. Feelings makes things complicated. But they also makes things interesting, fun and memorable.

I have to choose.

The sun will shine

No matter how bad things seem the day before, it always looks better the next day. Sleep on it.

I've been having a little trouble here and there, but when I wake up in the morning, suddenly it does not feel like a problem. It just feels like a minor hiccup in my life.

That's why I should not, would not, cannot make impulsive and irrational decisions at night. Wait until the sun rises, and let time take matters into its hands. There is just something about the sun that makes people feel good.

However, this does not apply to exams. =[

I have three more papers to go.

I'm setting myself up again. I'm playing with fire, and enjoying it. Well, it's gonna be all my fault. Just please don't tell me 'I told you so', even though I deserve it. I just want to savour the moment and time spent. I'm sure it's worth it.

Wondering how it will be like after I leave UTAR. Or should I stay back? My supervisor is not responding to my messages, and I haven't spoken to him personally. He is so damn busy. But I don't want to go to Kampar. It's too ulu, although it is my grandpa's hometown.

WIll my friends think of me? Have I been a person worth remembering? Worth the time spent on? I certainly hope so.

Lately my posts have taken on a darker tone. Happiness is a choice right? I do feel I'm happy, just that there is a weight in my heart. Can't define it yet, or is it that I don't want to?

Called David last night. Haven't spoken to him in months. And guess what? He was at WX's house. Suddenly, I was indifferent. I couldn't careless. I just sent my regards to him.

Think positive, feel positive, be positive.

Look through the world with wide wondering eyes and from a different perspective

Today's my first paper. I am not sure how prepared I am. Looking at the past year papers, well, I can give most of the points, although not exactly word by word. But unfortunately, my lecturer wants word by word, which is something I am having difficulty right now.

Almost everyone around me has been feeling blue. Is this some kind of bug? Is it catching? How curable is it? Because I've been having it throughout the whole semester. 14 weeks. Crap weeks for studies. And I've been really sick for 3 of those weeks. Thank goodness it was just normal sickness.

I do think this 'blue' bug is transmissible. Even my friends in other unis have contracted it. Coupled with stress, most people go around wearing masks. Those that use to wear their heart on their sleeves, have retracted into their shells. People like me, who are already in their shells, close up the openings and hide away, refusing to come out.

However, there are things and people for me to be grateful towards:

My WFC committee-who taught me leadership

My friends in SRC-who taught me how difficult it is to be working for people who mostly don't really appreciate what is being done and also the importance of really working together as a team

My darling cousins Ming Hui and Ming Wai-who baby me throughout one weekend when I was really down

DSA officers-who I didn't know were so crazy *grins*

My hometown friends-although I only met you people once, it feels like home, like how it felt before time in KL

Chow Kong-who ferries me to and fro GK and 熟到烂 friend

Sook Fong-who knows me when I didn't know myself

Sim, Kelvin-who listened to me rant and rave about my thesis

My housemates-who keep being noisy and smiling throughout the whole semester, letting me know there is still life even though we're all rushing for time

My parents-who keep coming to KL to see me and Ming Sern despite their hectic schedule, and bringing me lots of food, esp chicken essence

Wei Jie-who made me feel that my ideas are still valued

My thesis-which made me work hard, harder than I ever had

My W595-which made me appreciate how hard I had to save up for it

My trusty laptop-which *thankfully* didn't crash on me

Ok. Enough of the gratitude. Time to crawl back and hide away. Bring out the poker face. I'm back to my original state.

I've made up my mind to meet him. Now, I need an escape route, just in case. I'm both excited and nervous. I'm confused. I'm afraid. I can still back out though, if I want. I'm scared. But I don't want to. At least, I don't think I want to. There's no point in thinking too much right? Like Ken said, 'at least your ex still wants to meet you, unlike mine.'

One thing is for sure, there will be no reconciliation with him. He has already stated it very explicitly during the break up. I don't mind.

I miss my Tango.

Right now, exam first. No more distractions. Wish me luck, tonnes of luck.

How fast time flies

The past three years seemed so surreal.

Especially the past few weeks.

It's time that I leave now.

What have I learnt?

Will I come back?

Will we meet again?

PS: It's been almost a year already. Am I ready to face you again? I'd like to much to meet you, only I'm afraid to. Should I? Should I be afraid? But I think I can handle it...