I remembered what you said to me 2 months ago. Yeah, you called me redundant. Thank you very much. Just be reminded that I do not owe you anything. If there is anyone who owes someone something, it is you.
I'm a different person this semester. 11 weeks into the semester. 3 weeks to the end, before finals. How did I change so much? More importantly, how did I change? Can I blame UTAR? Or should I blame myself? I am so much more selfish and self-centered. I've always prided myself on not bowing to stress.
I've been dissing friends left and right. I realised I could just stand up and leave in the middle of a conversation, especially during onlline chat. I never did that before. Now I've been doing it like a thousand times. I just couldn't care less.
I met a whole new bunch of friends this semester. Guys. I just feel more comfortable with them, than with girls. What happened to my old ones? I have absolutely no idea. I tried to keep in contact with them, cos I don't see them around in uni, but unfortunately, I don't get a response. I'm tired of chasing ghosts.
My personal life is a mess. I've been going out with different guys every week, not on dates, mind you. I just get out from the house, I feel better for a few hours; I get back here, and I'm down in the dumps again. No, I'm not PMSing.
And I'm talking to myself a lot. I am not schizophrenic. I am not delusional. I do not hallucinate, nor do I have distortion in perceptions. I just talk to myself. People have come up to me to ask who I am talking to, and when I say no one, they look at me strangely, like I'm a freak. Maybe I am.
I solve my problems. I don't talk about me to other people, unless I'm really comfortable and trust that person. (X) is one of them. But then, even (X) doesn't know the whole story. I give only half. The other half, is still mine to keep. I can take care of me. I've always been able to take care of me. I will always figure something out.
Poker face. That's the advantage I have over others, or so I think. Build a shell, let no one in. Give no clue to what I feel. Occasionally, that shell breaks, and I'm in deep shit. I played with fire, and I got burnt. Serves me right. I won't be doing it anytime soon.
Evelyn is so sweet to me. She knew I was looking for formal wear for my thesis presentation, and she purposely drove me to The Curve to search for it. She was like 'Mei Sze, IF IF IF I finish revision, then we go, k?' Then 10 minutes later, 'Mei Sze, come lets go.' Love her for it.
I need encouragement. I need a push. I need some motivation. 2 supplementary papers last semester was enough to give me a boost to study harder this sem. But it seems like it is wearing off. I want so much to be able to cry and scream out loud. Unfortunately, poker face me is unable to do so. Poker face. The expert at concealing feelings. Only smiling and saying 'I'm fine'.
I've hit a rough patch. Life is throwing at me all sorts of crap. But I will get over it. I know I will. It just takes time. I have time.
